Queen Susan, I Am Not
by The Quill Danced
Summary: When Susan's family dies in a train wreck, she finds herself left behind, because she no longer believes in Narnia. But she's given a second chance, and discovers more than she ever imagined. This is her story. Susan/Tirian pairing. After The Last Battle. Complete.
1. Material Girl

_Disclaimer: I do not own, nor call as my own, anything from the Chronicles of Narnia or C.S. Lewis. I also do not own any song lyrics or music I use. __T__hey belong to their respective creators. _

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_Experience has made me rich and now they're after me.  
__Cause everybody's living in a material world…  
__And I am a material girl…_

-Material Girl, Madonna

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They call me Queen Susan. A queen I am, most certainly, not. Though I don't mind being treated as one.

It's all part of my siblings childish games. A feeble grasp at their childhood that's slipping away.

They cannot be children forever. There comes a time we realize we must throw away our old fantasies and enter into the world of the present.

Hard as I may, I've tried to turn Lucy in the right direction. At a young seventeen her mind is impressionable and easy to mold. I have done all the right things. I've taken her shopping in the best stores of London. Tried to show her what makeup makes her beautiful and what clothes and accessories can enhance it.

As we walk the crowded streets of our wonderfully bustling city I point out attractive men, teaching her how to catch their eyes. By her age I had already had my first date, my first kiss and my first beau.

It seems though that all my hard work is in vain.

While she's trying on a dress, she'll issue some silly remark like how the colour reminds her of the dress she wore at the Battle of Bermuda or some sort or how this dress isn't as comfortable as the dress she wore at the birthday party of the one-eyed antelope.

Yesterday, just, yesterday out of the truest kindness of my heart I took Lucy to Harrods.

_F__lashback:_

"Lucy," I say spinning around in front of the mirror. I am in absolute heaven in a black tweed slip dress with a wide white belt. With my hair long and dark down my back in waves against my pale face I picture myself an absolute goddess, and I'm sure anyone who sees me would agree.

Lucy looks up at me, her chin resting in her palm. She seems utterly bored but I think this is just from her waiting because she wants to try on some dresses.

"Doesn't this dress make me look fabulous?" I sigh turning for her and posing with my hand seductively on my hip.

"I think the dresses in Narnia made you look fabulous," she mumbles clearly under her breath, so I just ignore her.

"I do believe in fact that I will buy this for my date with John tomorrow evening."

I stand gazing in the mirror, imagining how I would look with blazing red lips and a sharp line of kohl underneath my eyes. I don't even notice Lucy has left until she calls to me from outside the changing area.

"Susan!"

Thank the Heavens; I am sure that she has discovered a beautiful dress. Perhaps, some slinky number in Vogue that would turn the heads of men from nine to ninety.

To my utter dismay she stands there holding a ridiculous dress, circa…let's say it's bad enough to be the 1930's.

"Good God!" I exclaim, for in true honesty, I have never seen a dress so awful.

"Isn't this beautiful?" she asks while spinning with the dress in her arms.

"Please, tell me you're joking."

Lucy stands with her eyes closed as if she is remembering something far off.

"Reminds me of a dress I've worn."

"It reminds me more of a dress Grandmamma has worn," I mutter.

Still in her daydreams Lucy says, "Just like the dress I wore when we came back, after Caspian's coronation!"

I stand there wide-eyed, "Who's coronation have you been to?"

"Prince Caspian's coronation! After the second Battle of Beruna! Although mine was green and the flowers were red, not black and white like this one."

Once again she is drudging up the games of our childhood, and in hopes of getting on her good side so she might just pick a dress that I like and I can go home satisfied that I was a considerable help to my younger sister, I decide to play along.

"That's right…we um…we saved…the…animals," I'm grasping at straws, "…from the giants?" I am stuck. How am I supposed to remember details of a game from eight years ago?

Lucy's face falls. I can tell I have disappointed her and even though she is being absurd I still feel awful.

"Come on, Susan. We helped Prince Caspian and the Narnians get the throne back from Caspian's Uncle Miraz. And Peter challenged Miraz to a duel and beat him, and then there was the battle and Aslan came and summoned the River god…" she is beginning to ramble, her words are coming out faster than her brain can think.

This has gone on long enough. The only thing to come from this is that Lucy is going to make herself miserable and perhaps sick.

"Calm down Lu," I say using her pet name, "It's just a game."

I realize that saying that was probably not the most helpful thing I could have done.

Her eyes begin to turn red and her face crunches up in that way that only Lucy has when she's about to cry.

I reach out to hug her. I just want to comfort her through losing her childhood; some of us do it better than others.

She backs away from me, a look in her eyes I can't quite determine, distrust maybe?

"Susan! How can you not remember Aslan? He who has helped us through so much! Who taught us so many great things about life?"

Now, this is the last straw. For one thing, people are beginning to stare and I know that they are glaring daggers at me, not my innocent little sister in tears and two, I will not pretend that I learned anything from some Lion.

"Lucy!" I say in a loud whisper. "Stop making a scene. We didn't learn anything from a talking Lion. I've learned about life through experience and magazines. I suggest you do the same!"

Lucy's expression is shock, pure and utter shock and quite frankly I am shocked at myself. I have never spoken to Lucy like that and before I can say another word she has thrown the dress to the floor and run out crying.

I know it was a bit harsh but it had to be done. Lucy has to realize that dreams are dreams and that she doesn't live in a dream world apart from the rest of us. We are all on this spinning sphere called Earth, living life and we might as well do it to the fullest while we can. In the real world, we can't stay young forever.

Anyhow, here I am standing in the middle of Harrods alone, totally humiliated but thankfully, in a stunning dress.

I just walk right into the changing room and change back into my equally stylish dress suit, which is all the rage in America right now. Picking up the dress, I go up to the saleswoman and tell her I will buy it. That's how you turn people's disapproval into envy.

As I walk to our new townhouse just ten minutes away I think about what has just happened with Lucy.

It really in isn't my fault. It's their fault though it's so hard to find fault in Lucy. I blame my brothers. Peter and Edmund not only encourage her nonsense, I daresay they believe it themselves. How is it that out of us four children, I am the only one with a hint of commonsense? For the life of me, I don't understand it.

They are always getting mad at me for not playing along with their games. Why, they're adults! They should know better. I do.

Peter, my older brother, is struck with this idea of a beautiful land where he is High King over all Kings. What an absolute joke! And he just drags Edmund and Lucy with him. They are all at fault. It's a sickening cycle with them.

And when I desire the company of my brothers and sister, with my own issues of life and love, they scoff. They turn away from me as if I am not their family, as if I'm not their friend. We have been through everything together. Like during the air raids. Does that mean nothing now? Just because I refuse to be a child any longer.

I reach the front door and yank it open, because now I am thoroughly upset and wish for nothing but to sit in my room and pout.

As I walk with my head down I bump into a rather solid mass. I look up to see Peter looking down on me, as he always does.

"Pardon me," I mutter as I attempt to head up the stairs. My way is most rudely blocked by Peter's arm.

"We need to talk," he says in that regal voice he most foolishly takes on when he's trying to be serious.

"I'd rather we didn't." I try to push past him and he has the nerve to shove me.

"Susan!" he says firmly and I finally stop. "You did it again."

"I did what again?" I ask in a hostile tone. I know that Lucy has run to her favourite brother spilling her heart out to him and that I currently play the role of the villain in this twisted fairytale.

"Why do you have to be so cruel to Lu? You know how much she misses Narnia and what it means to her."

"No, Peter. I don't know how much she misses a place that doesn't exist."

I _am_ being cruel now, but I know that Lucy is_ his _favourite sister and that _I_ can do no right in his eyes. There has always been a trickle of animosity between us and I had hoped we could grow out of it, in time.

"What happened to you Susan? When did you become so bitter?"

I stare and him through narrowed eyes and pick my bag off the floor.

"I didn't become bitter Peter. I grew up."

And I stalk past him to my room. I stand at my door for a moment because I can hear Lucy crying down the hall. Edmund opens his door and looks at me sorrowfully. So critical.

"Don't stare at me like some over-righteous prig Edmund!" I snap.

He just keeps on staring and eventually walks to Lucy's room. He hasn't said anything but his silence speaks volumes and I know what he's thinking, and I don't want to hear it.

I walk into my room and slam the door. I hear heavy footsteps coming up the stairs so I put my ear against my door to listen. They head towards Lucy's room and I can hear people speaking in hushed tones and laughing.

And I am more upset than I have ever been.  
_  
-end flashback_

So, tonight, I am in my new dress that I love dearly and doing the finishing touches to my makeup. I look exactly how I imagined and I am so happy that little to nothing can ruin my mood right now. I fix up my hair in a half up/half down way. It's perfect, it's shows I'm young but still sophisticated. As I pick up my clutch and head downstairs I can hear many voices coming from the dining room. I can guess what this is about, and I really don't want to get involved. Unfortunately, I have to go through the dining room to get to the sitting room so I can watch out the window.

When I enter, I see a large group of people eating around our rosewood dining room table. Of course, there are my siblings, Peter, Edmund and Lucy, my snobbish cousin Eustace, though he is less snobbish than he used to be, his irritatingly plain friend, who seems to not care for me much and quick to criticize me as well, Jill Pole, Professor Digory Kirke, who we stayed with during the war and his good friend from childhood Ms. Polly Plummer.

I put on my absolutely most polite face because indeed I am in a good mood, mostly because of my fabulous dress and my date tonight with a completely smashing gentleman.

"Good evening everyone," I smile, feeling incredibly charitable.

Peter raises his eyebrows at me, almost like he wonders what I'm doing and I resist the urge to be childish and stick my tongue out at him, although it would serve him some good.

Edmund just stares like always but there is some surprise in his eyes and Lucy's jaw is dropped down, like I've grown two heads or sprouted an extra limb.

I am coming to find that everyone is staring at me. Eustace's expression is a lot like Lucy's though he's showing more restraint than she in the jaw department. Jill looks at me suspiciously, and with contempt too, the brat. I'm beginning to feel a little less charitable.

Fortunately, Professor Kirke and Miss Plummer can hold themselves like adults, for the most part. All I get from them are curious looks and tentative smiles.

"Why, Susan," exclaims Miss Plummer, "you look quite fabulous! Are you going somewhere special?"

I smile and appreciate her kindness until that devil Jill voices her unasked and definitely unwanted opinion.

"She's probably going out with another Jim or Tim or Bill or Will," she says snidely and I am horrified to hear snickers from around the table.

Without even a glance at her I smile warmly at Miss Plummer, "Thank you very much Miss Plummer. And I am going out, to have dinner and see that new play based on the Agatha Christie novel."

Professor Kirke nods at me, "Murder at the Vicarage, am I right?"

"Quite."

"It's a good novel, though not one of Madam Christie's better works."

I laugh charmingly, "Well, you know, a girl these days has very little time to actually read a book but it stars that American, Barbara Mullen, so I'm sure she can bring some excitement to it. You know, when I went to America so long ago I met many thrilling people."

Jill puts down her fork loudly and puts her hand to her chin, "And, we should assume you aren't going to this play alone or with any of your girl friends that, like you, have such little time to read?" Her lip curls into a snide smile.

If I could, I would slap that little monster's ruddy cheek for how she's embarrassing me. I'm sure if she got an invitation from a man she would run out and buy a new dress and coat her thin lips with lipstick.

"As a matter of fact, I'm being accompanied by my friend Laura Covington's brother, John Covington…I'm sure Peter that you know him. He's studying medicine at King's."

"Yes, I know of him," Peter mumbles.

Now, in an awkward silence I want very much to leave the room.

"Su," Lucy chimes up and I look at her. Her eyes are hesitant but there is a flicker of eagerness in them. "We were just going to discuss Narnia and how we feel like some magic is in the air and that Aslan is setting something up. Would you…would you like to join us?"

Oh, my dear sister, Lucy has put me in such an awful situation. I can't say what I'm really feeling in front of these seven believers of fairytales. Especially Professor Kirke and Ms. Plummer who I truly respect, apart from their part in all the nonsense.

"What wonderful memories you have! Fancy your still thinking about all those funny games we used to play when we were children," I am really saying this for the benefit of the two adults, the others I would have some choice words for. "But John will be here at anytime so I'll just wait in the front. Have a grand evening with your Narnia business."

I quickly race to the shelter of the sitting room where we are all out of sight from each other. I let out a quick breath and sigh as I slump down on the sofa.

It is so hard. Why do they insist on making it so hard? On trying to convince me that these games are real. I am sure I've made my position quite clear. Acceptance is the first step in moving on.

As I sit and wait I can hear them speaking again.

"That's just like Susan," I hear Jill's voice exclaim, "honestly, I wonder why Aslan even let her in Narnia in the first place?"

"The same reason he let any of us in," it's Professor Kirke's voice, "because Narnia needed our help. It was her horn that Caspian used to summon the four and might I remind you also, that Susan _is _a Queen of Narnia?"

Jill is indignant, "She _was_ a Queen, now…she's nothing more than a…"

"Jill," it's Edmund's voice and it's sterner than I've heard him, "regardless of what Susan believes, she is still our sister and a Queen of Narnia chosen by Aslan. You would do well to speak with respect. Now I say we drop this and talk about what we meant to."

"I agree with Edmund," Peter says in that, oh so exasperating, regal tone, "the real topic at hand is…"

Their voices fade out but I'm still mulling over what Edmund said. Why he stood up for me. Out of all seven, Edmund stood up for me. I remember before when Edmund could be quite mean but he changed and I have been quite wrong about him. He's different from the others. It's almost like he sees me and understands me better than they do, without judging me.

I am pulled out of thought by a knock at the door. I rush to open it before Beatrice, the housekeeper, can get to it. I'd rather leave as discreetly as possible.

Quickly, I open the door and don't invite John inside. I pull on my cloak and go outside, shutting it without even a word. I must seem odd but I have an uneasiness and I want to get out without disturbing…_them_.

"Why, Susan, you look astounding," John compliments.

"Thank you,"

"Shouldn't you say something to someone, to let them know you're going?"

I shake my head. "My parents are at our home in Essex and as for my siblings. I hardly think they care I'm going."

Although I act indifferent part of me, I think but hate to admit, wishes they cared.


	2. What Have You Done

_Disclaimer: I don't own the Chronicles of Narnia or anything created by C.S. Lewis and I'm certainly NOT getting paid for this. And I don't own the music or the songs I use. They belong to their creators._

**A/N: So, this is chapter two! Thanks to those 4 reviewers who left reviews. And thanks to my hilarious and amazing beta PippinBaggins. I would suggest you check out her stories because they're spectacular!**

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_I know I'd better stop trying. You know that there's no denying  
I won't show mercy on you now. I know I should stop believing  
I know that there's no retrieving. It's over now  
What have you done?_

_- What Have You Done, Within Temptation_

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Torture. This is absolute torture. The silence is deadly, the silence is maddening; and silence is all that I'm getting.

A bit overdramatic, yes, but it's not without a reason. I am presently stuck living in the London townhouse with Peter and Edmund.

My brothers have not spoken to me since I returned from my outing with John—and that was the day before yesterday! It's so childish to keep a grudge like this. They would be happier people if they just learned to let things go.

Yesterday, the rest of the party went back to our home in Essex, and I had thought that Peter and Edmund would be going as well. I wasn't going with them, I usually stay in London with Beatrice. It's nice being close to my friends and the shops. They are better company than my family.

Though for some reason beyond me, my brothers stayed, if I can even call them my brothers. That would imply that we are a family, and families usually speak to each other.

It's hard for me to remember the times before I grew up. I realized I'd rather not be on the sidelines of life; being passed by and watching the world move while I stood still.

Why other people want to be that way is beyond me. Life has so much to offer. We shouldn't be stuck in the past; we should be embracing the winding road that is the future.

I'm sitting on the sofa, reading a fashion catalogue, when the door opens and Peter and Edmund walk in. My eyes look over them and I am horrified to see that they are covered head to toe in dirt and mud. Despite the grime they seem in good spirits, smiling and clapping each other on the backs.

"Mind you don't track dirt through the house would you," I snap.

"Mind that you shut up," Peter says, and I am shocked.

I close my magazine and lay it beside me on the sofa.

"I understand that you children enjoy playing in the mud. I just hope that if anyone saw you out there, they don't realize we're related."

Peter steps towards me. I have made him angry. If there is one thing I know about Peter, it's that he hates being referred to as a child.

"Who are you to be calling anyone a child? Look at you! You're the biggest child out of all of us."

"I don't know what would give you that idea, Peter. _I_ associate with _adults_."

He barks a sarcastic laugh. I frown and fold my arms in front of my chest. Edmund is watching us from the hall, and I silently thank him for not taking Peter's side.

"Is that what you call them? With your playing dress up and your play dates?"

"I'm not playing anymore, Peter. I have finished with games. How many times is it necessary to tell you that! If you would just open your eyes and see that the world around you has changed, and that you need to pick up the pace. _I _see you, you know.

"You don't associate with anyone at King's College except for Edmund and your roommate. You are never out with any girls. I don't know what's wrong with you. All you do is hang around with the other six talking about your games!

"You pretend that you are part of a world that doesn't exist! You're not a King—or a Prince or a Knight—whatever else you bloody think you are! Worst of it is, you bring Edmund and Lucy along with you. You form their minds around your rubbish fantasies. Peter, you live in this world. I suggest you change as I have and act like it. Perhaps then whatever your problem between us is, you can change it!"

I'm fighting back tears now; I've brought up the tension that's between us that we've never discussed. It's been like this taboo secret that everyone knows about, but no one will admit to, and I have. I've broken our taboo.

Peter turns from me. He is breathing hard and evenly; it scares me more than him yelling at me.

"Susan," he says my name flatly, emotionless, "the only thing changing between us is that, as of this day, you are no longer my sister."

Shock and sorrow seize my heart in an icy grip, and I fall to the sofa, grasping at my chest.

"Peter," I half gasp, half sob, "you don't mean that." I begin to scream, "Tell me you don't mean that!"

"I do mean it, Susan. I'm finished with you."

And with that, he walks upstairs leaving me sobbing and screaming on the sofa.

"No! He can't! He can't!"

I'm so scared. I'm so frightened. What is this going to mean? Edmund and Lucy follow his every move. Will I lose their love as well? Will our parents disown me? They see Peter as the strong one, the head of us four and I'm afraid they'll side with him.

I curl myself up in the corner of the sofa and I sob. A hand rests on my shoulder and I jump. I whip around to see Edmund sitting there, his hand still on my shoulder.

"Oh, Ed," my voice cracks on a sob.

He reaches into his pocket and gives me a folded handkerchief. I dab at my running eyes and wipe my face.

"Ugh, I must look a fright. Thank you." I hand it back to him and he pockets it.

"You care too much about how you look," he says.

"Everyone cares about how they look Edmund… even you."

Edmund takes his arm from my shoulder and goes to stand at the window. He looks out onto the streets of London.

"Yes, we all keep up appearances for appearances sake. But it seems that you go the extra length. You are…"

"Adult?" I offer. He looks at me in that way he has.

"You think you're adult but…I don't know. I don't have the patience to try and figure you out."

"Have you given up on me, like everyone else?" I try to sound cold when I say it, but I just end up sounding whiney and pathetic.

"I will never give up on you, Susan," he walks over and kisses me on the forehead.

"I love you, Edmund." And I mean that wholeheartedly. "You're the only one who still believes in me."

"I'm not the only one," he says, a tiny smile pulling at the corners of his mouth.

"Who else, Father and Mum?"

"No, Susan. There is always Someone who believes in you, and He will never stop. No matter what you do or what you think. Even if you have given up on Him."

"And who would that be, Ed?"

His face takes on a faraway expression, and I can tell he's drifting off into one of _their _dreams. "Someone who believed in me, when no one else did."

I know this fairytale well, and I don't want to hear it. "Don't start, Ed," this time I'm firm.

Hurt flashes across his expression and I am immediately ashamed. "Sorry," I mumble.

"Don't apologize to me, Su."

Once again I am left completely baffled but, at least, somewhat relieved.

**_-page break-_**

The days pass by more slowly when you live in a house with people not speaking to you. Every day seems longer than the last until it feels like all of time has stopped. It's only been two days but it feels like a lifetime.

The three of us are sitting at the table for breakfast. Anyone from the outside looking in probably wouldn't guess that we are a family. Correction, they wouldn't guess Peter and I are family. I am so happy for Edmund, otherwise my only conversation would be with the housekeeper.

God help me.

I take a sip of my tea to find that it's too cold to drink.

"Beatrice," I call, "can you pour me some warmer tea please?"

She comes quickly and takes my cup. I give her a smile. She really puts up with more than we give her credit for. I would hope my siblings were more considerate, but sometimes they act as though they've grown up with servants waiting on them hand and foot.

Beatrice comes back with my steaming cup. I take it from her appreciatively.

"Thank you Beatrice," I say, "and thank you for this lovely breakfast that you have prepared for us. I am sure my brothers appreciate it so much that eating it keeps them silent."

Ha! I've got them. They both look up from their bowls and stare right at me. Peter's face is dark and Edmund looks at me like he knows what I'm doing and he plays along.

"Yes, Beatrice," Edmund says, "You are most considerate. Thank you."

"Quite right," Peter adds.

Beatrice seems like she doesn't know what to do with herself, and I feel a bit bad. I more or less wrapped her up in the spiteful behavior between Peter and me.

"It's no problem, dears. You know I'm happy to help you."

"And we greatly appreciate it," I say enthusiastically.

As she retreats into the kitchen, Peter and Edmund start talking between themselves.

"We can meet them at King's Cross?" Peter said.

"No," corrects Edmund, "I feel it would be better at Reading. We'll have less time in London."

I pipe up, "Why on earth are you planning to go out to Reading? Who are you meeting?"

Peter glowers at me, "It's nothing that concerns you."

At the same time Edmund says, "We're meeting the other five."

Peter gives a sharp look to Edmund and there seems to be a silent conversation going on between them. Honestly, it's high time Peter learned that he doesn't control Edmund and if Edmund wants to tell me what they're doing, then he can.

I can tell it is more of their fairytale business. Rather than cause an unholy row so early in the morning, I answer with a simple, "Oh."

Peter smiles snidely at me, "Yes, when it comes to our Narnia nonsense, as you see it, you can't be bothered."

"I never said that," I protest and I'm happy to just be speaking to him, even if we're arguing. "It just gave me a thought."

"And what enlightening thought would that be?" he says sarcastically.

I ignore his tone and continue; "Father and Mum are leaving for Bristol today."

Edmund looks uneasily at Peter, "Father and Mum might be on the same train then. I hadn't thought of that."

"I just fancy that if they see you, they'll be wondering what the seven of you are all doing at Reading."

For once Peter looks a bit stumped, "Well…Ed and I will just deal with that if it comes up."

I stir my porridge absentmindedly. I need to say something, anything to fill the silence.

"Will you be coming back tonight?"

Edmund answers, "Yes, we will."

Peter retorts right back, "But we're leaving tomorrow on the first train to Essex."

I can feel my face fall—from the apathetic look on Peter's and the sympathetic look on Edmund's—they both know that this has hurt me. We finish our porridge in peace and they rise to put on their coats.

"Perhaps…perhaps…" I'm trying to find the right words. The right patches for these gaping holes. "Perhaps I'll go home, to Essex I mean, with you all tomorrow."

Edmund smiles and I feel like I've gained some ground.

"I'd rather you didn't," Peter says squarely, "And I'm sure the others feel similarly. Stay in London. It's where you belong."

And I'm left drifting like the last leaf off a tree, not knowing where it is that I belong.

_**-page break**-_

The darkness is so thick that I can't see the inside of my room. The only thing around me is thdeep blackness.

I feel uneasy.

Something has woken me up. There are people moving downstairs and hushed voices. I hear men.

I feel relief. It's only Edmund and Peter. They hadn't come home when I expected them last night although I knew they'd be in late. I waited up till midnight until Beatrice sent me to bed with mint tea to help me sleep.

I'm happy to be awake because all night I've been having fitful dreams. I'm alone, always alone, running through a forest. There were voices but I couldn't make out what they were saying. I push my dream from my mind because that's all they are—dreams—illusions that my mind creates. They don't exist.

There is no way that I'm getting back to sleep at the moment…and I could do with another cup of tea.

I swing my feet over the side of my bed, trying to find my slippers. My dressing gown is hanging over the back of the chair of my vanity and I slip myself into its cold silkiness.

I open the door a crack and can't help but wonder why people are up still. I look at the grandfather clock and I can see that it's a quarter past three. Light is pouring into the hall from downstairs. I descend the steps slowly… the unease is back. Something is without doubt not right.

I freeze. I can hear crying. My hand grips the railing as I stumble. Someone approaches the staircase. It's a policeman. It feels like a weight is on my chest and my hand flies to my throat.

"Miss Pevensie?"

"Yes," I choke out, "who are you?"

"I am Constable Chambers. Your housekeeper was about to pour some tea. Would you care for some?"

I shake my head. The last thing on my mind is tea. I want to know why he is in my house in the middle of the night. I want to know why I hear Beatrice crying from the kitchen. I want to know where my family—

"Oh God!" I cry. Both my hands are grasping the railing as I try to stop myself from falling.

"Miss Pevensie…please, come with me and we'll talk."

He reaches his hand out to me and without thinking and I take it. I can't think, so I walk blindly through the hall to the kitchen. Unconsciously, I sit at the table and sip the tea that's been put in front of me. Across from me, Beatrice is crying but I can't hear it. I can't hear anything. I can see Constable Chambers' mouth moving but I don't need to hear what he's saying. He's told me all there is to know. My brothers are dead. My sister is dead. My parents are dead.

I am alone.


	3. The Tower

_She carries the act so convincingly  
The fact is sometimes she believes it  
She can be happy with the way things are  
Be happy with the things she's done_

_-The Tower, Vienna Teng  
_

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If someone had asked me yesterday what I would be doing today, I would have said, "sulking", because I'd be mad at Peter for being a bossy prat.

Then I probably would have called on my best friend Amanda Jordan. Mandy and I would have shopped all of London town until I felt better. We would have stopped off at a nice café. We would sit in the window because that's what we always do. There is no better place to look for men. It seems pathetic now.

And I suppose I am pathetic, because I'm thinking about shopping and men while my family is dead.

It's seems unreal. I'm sitting on the sofa in the parlor in London. My friends are sitting beside me but I barely notice them. People are walking by me, offering their condolences for my tragic loss. _I don't want their bloody sympathy!_ How do they know just how "tragic" my loss is?

It's just a bunch of people who never really cared about our family until there was something to gossip about. They don't know anything about us, our real selves.

They don't know that when Lucy and I were little we would dance with flowers in our hair pretending to be princesses. She would twirl with such grace and such ease…such happiness. Everything and everyone was her plaything and would no doubt get caught up in her enjoyment no matter how hard they resisted. Her eyes were bright and the shine of her smile was competition for the sun.

As I look back, I can see that us siblings were her closest and truest friends. And now she's dead, and in the last moment we had she was disappointed in me. I feel wretched.

It's a chain reaction. If I even let myself think about one of my siblings little things about all of them come to mind.

I was never as annoyed with Edmund as I appeared to be these days. Truth is, I admired him because he had always seemed to have a similar sense of logic as mine. He always seemed to know more than he gave off but never told you. It was up to you to figure it out. He stood up for me and I miss him dearly, although I'm happy that in these last days we considered each other friends, more so than we have been.

I'm not ready to think about Peter or my parents because I may start crying right here on the couch in front of all these people. And wouldn't all these feeders of misery enjoy that spectacle, the black sheep of the Pevensie family, finally breaking down. That is a pleasure I am not eager to give. My only freedom I will give myself is to wish that things hadn't ended so badly.

"Miss Pevensie?"

I snap out of the cloud of my thoughts and find that same officer from the night before, Chambers, is standing before me.

"Miss Pevensie," he says again. I suppose he thinks that I haven't heard him because I'm refusing to look at his face but really; no one wants to see pity looking down at them.

"Yes?" I hear my voice but it's not like I'm speaking.

"I hate to bring this up in your time of grieving but…?" Constable Chambers stutters. He is wringing his hands awkwardly and lowers his head.

Honestly, if he hates to bring it up then why do so. People don't usually tend to make a habit of doing things they hate. I, for one, do not, so I don't see why he needs to be the exception.

All I answer is, "What is it?"

He looks up again and this time I look at his face. Our eyes are meeting and I see that the sympathy there isn't that of some stranger; it's real. He is actually hurting on my behalf. Inwardly I thank him, but find this much harder to take than fake sympathy.

I think he can sense this because he looks away again before he speaks.

"Funeral arrangements, Miss Pevensie."

The funeral. The part where my family, my entire family excluding myself, gets buried in the ground. Thus ending my life, as I've known it.

"Funeral arrangements," I repeat warily. It doesn't seem right for me to have to have to do this all on my own.

"I don't expect you'll want to do all the details yourself, is there anyone you think could assist you?"

"I believe…" I'm searching my brain and it falls on the only people I can think of, "my aunt and uncle. Mr. Harold Scrubb and Mrs. Alberta Scrubb."

Constable Chambers takes note of this on his pad of paper.

"Any relation to the Eustace Scrubb identified on the train?"

That's right. Eustace died too, and that up-start Jill Pole.

"He…um...he was their son," I say in almost a whisper. "Is there anything else, sir?" I ask hastily, because I'm starting to feel the pressure of the moment.

"Just time and place, love."

"Essex, as soon as possible" I answer blindly.

"Thank you, Miss Pevensie."

He walks away swiftly and I rise to get up. The room is feeling overcrowded and stuffy, and all I want is a chance to breathe freely and clear my head.

"Are you alright, Susan?" Amanda asks from the couch. I was hardly aware that she's been sitting here the entire time grasping my hand and keeping me centered.

"Yes, I'm fine," I answer calmly. My voice is so even it even I frighten myself.

"Where are you going?"

She is never this inquisitive with me usually. Perhaps my friends fear that I'm a danger to myself.

"I'm just going to go pack, Mandy…for the trip to Essex tomorrow."

"So soon?" she gasps.

"The sooner the better," I reply.

_**-page break**-_

Were they afraid, I wonder, when they felt the terrible lurch of the train on the tracks, as it took the bend too quickly?

I doubt the five inside were afraid, though it's hard to believe. Nothing ever frightened them these days. They all said they had faced worst and I always thought they meant the war.

I'm looking out the window and usually I'm charmed by the way the hills roll into one another, like out of a picture. The green is unlike any I've seen in all the places I've traveled. But today it does nothing to brighten my spirits.

I can't stop thinking about them, all of them. I can't seem to put them out of my mind, as hard as I try.

I keep traveling years back. To when we were all friends and we depended on each other. The days we spent playing with each other in Professor Kirke's house while we were faced with the threat of war. Though I don't remember every moment of it, we were together.

I just can't believe how all this happens to a person. _How does someone lose every member in her immediate family in one unlucky accident?_

_**-page break**-_

Amanda's brother, Charles, places my suitcase on the wooden floor.

"Thank you," I say kindly.

He nods his head politely and leaves quickly. I guess I must look an absolute fright.

I sit down on the bed in the room and stare out the window. I can see the Scrubbs' taxi leaving down the drive. I haven't been able to speak to them like I want to. I wish I knew what they were thinking, what they were feeling. They didn't seem broken inside, they almost had a certain calm to them.

"Su?" Amanda says softly, sitting beside me on the bed. I turn to look at her. Her blue eyes are sad, as she looks at me, through the halo of her curly, bobbed blonde hair.

"Is there anything you want to talk about? I'm here for you, you know. I always have been. When you would rant at me because of Peter—"

"Don't…say his name," I say with a little more strength than I've had in the past few days.

"Su," she says quietly, "you're going to have to hear all their names at the funeral tomorrow."

When I meant that the funeral was going to be soon, I was not kidding.

I sigh, "I know Amanda. I just need some time. I think I'll take a quick nap."

Amanda nods. "Sure…I'll tell Mary to live you a tray—so you don't have to wake up for dinner."

"Thanks Amanda," I say gratefully, "for letting me stay here and everything."

"Anything for you, Susan." She gives me a hug and then leaves shutting the door quietly.

This is the first time I've been alone since the accident and surprisingly, I'm happy about that. It's nice to be able to think without worrying about how my expression looks, or if I'm saying the right things that a grieving sister should.

Strangely enough, I'm not grieving…I'm just here. I wish I would cry or something. I'm beginning to think that people think I'm heartless, but I'm not. I'm just not sure what to feel yet. There should be a manual on how do deal with being the last remaining member of your immediate family.

I need something to do. I might as well pick out my stuff for tomorrow. I rummage carefully through by suitcase, running my hands lovingly over my designer clothing. I find a Christian Dior black dress and decide that it's absolutely perfect.

I lay it on the back of the vanity chair and get ready for a nap because I'm too tired to think anymore.

_**-page break**-_

The opposite of a party is a funeral. I swear it is. The people sitting around me look like their half dead already from the depressing looks on their faces. The ones who aren't frowning are crying themselves to death.

It's all rather pretentious. My family kept to themselves, so I don't see why everyone is crying. I guess funerals just put people into that sort of mood.

This funeral has been going on for an hour already—and its just been prayers and songs. We're in the little Anglican chapel at the bottom of the hill, below my family's house. I've spent so much time here, all my siblings and I were baptized here but it seems so foreign now. Without them.

I swear, I actually swear that if I hear one more person sing a song about doves today I will go completely insane! I wish this would just finish already.

Finally, we're at the last prayer. Everyone is standing, waiting to go out into the cemetery. The caskets go out first and then someone pushes me behind them. I'm walking in my Christian Dior dress and stylish black hat and veil behind seven caskets, because Jill's parents knew Jill would want to be buried with the Pevensies.

I could have clawed their eyes out.

Seven caskets! It's unreal and now as I see each one being placed into the ground, my mother, my father, my brothers, my sister I can't take it anymore.

The muggy air of this gray day is becoming thick and I'm surrounded my people, waiting for me to cry, to scream, to throw flowers, to do something more than just stand here!

I do not disappoint!

_'We therefore commit their bodies to the ground; earth to earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust—'_

I don't scream. I don't cry. I don't throw flowers.

I run.

I don't hear the Clergy finish the committal. I'm gone. I have my dressed pulled up above my knees and I'm running like I used to when I was younger. Up the hill, away from the people below.

I pass the tress in a green blur and before I even realize it, I'm home.

The big white house is standing in the middle of the large field. We left this house for our townhouse in London, a year before the war started. We came back home afterwards.

I open the door; it isn't locked. Why should it be?

The foyer looks like it always has. I walk past the parlor to the kitchen and sit down at the table. It's so empty here it's almost haunting.

I get up and go upstairs. The stairs creak as I walk up. I had never noticed that they did that before.

I walk to my room first. It's exactly as I left it. My lip colour is still on my vanity. It's a comfort seeing my room, as is, during so much change.

I leave and walk to the next room over. Lucy's room. The paintings I made her when we were younger are still on her walls. No wonder she believed in our make-believe lands so long! She kept the pictures I made of them on the wall…

I walk over to one and touch the watercolour print with my hand. I don't remember painting any of them but that's my signature in the bottom right hand corner.

_Queen Susan the Gentle_

There are pictures on her chest of drawers. At the beach, at graduation, at parties. And there is one picture of us lying in the grass outside the house. It looks three years old. We were happier then. I miss that. I miss her.

I make my way across the hall to Edmund's room. He has law books strewn all over his bed. I'd almost forgotten that he was studying to be a Barrister. There's a picture of us on his bedside table, from the day he got his BA.

He's the one who looked the most like me. Same dark hair and the same pale skin and precise features. You could tell we were brother and sister. Peter and Lucy looked like each other more than they looked like us.

I'm beginning to feel a little overwhelmed now. I walk slowly to Peter's room. His is the one I fear to see the most.

Of course, his room looks orderly as usual. There's a picture of the two of us dancing at someone's wedding on his dresser.

We're both smiling and I remember that day well.

A flashback overwhelms me…

_Flashback:_

I'm sitting at our table in the giant ballroom with my parents. Edmund and Lucy are off dancing with some cousins and Peter is taking a pretty little thing for a spin on the dance floor.

I have refused three men already. Because honestly, they were the poorest, most desperate little things I'd ever seen and I wouldn't be caught dead with them.

"Susan, dear…" my mother says from across the table. My head is resting on my hand and I look up at her.

"Why don't you go dance, Susan? So many nice men have asked you."

She smiles, so oblivious of the times and whom it's fashionable to be seen with.

"It's alright Mum," I sigh.

"Well, Susan…" my father says. "If you wouldn't mind dancing with your old Father…"

Inside I'm absolutely horrified—but I make sure it doesn't show by being as pleasant as I always am.

"It's alright, Father. I'd rather not dance. Besides you, there is no one worth dancing with."

"Well, that's a shame," says a familiar voice behind me, "because I just came over here to rescue my sister from sitting alone at the table."

I turn around and Peter is standing there with his hand out. I take it happily, because in truth I really wanted to show off my new dusty pink Jacques Fath evening gown.

He leads me onto the dance floor and we slide easily into a waltz. He's only about three inches taller than me and I bet that we look like a couple of print models. There are men and women staring at us jealously.

"There are people staring at us Peter," I whisper to him. "I imagine some of them don't know that we're brother and sister."

Peter laughs deeply, "That wouldn't be hard, seeing as we don't look alike at all."

I know its true as I look at Peter with his golden brown hair and rosy face.

"You just wish you looked as beautiful as me," I laugh and he twirls me a bit roughly.

"Remember when we used to dance at our Narnian balls?"

"Yes, when we were younger. That was a good game," I sigh and Peter's face falls.

We don't say anything but there's some tension, and I'd rather get back to where we were.

"We're so grown up, Peter."

"Yes, well…life goes on," he says a bit bitterly, and I can't fathom why.

"I don't want us to move too far apart from each other…"

"We won't."

I'm feeling strangely sentimental.

"I'll always need my big brother, you know that?"

He pulls me to his chest in a hug and kisses the top of my head affectionately.

"I'll always be there for you Susan," he says as someone takes our picture.

_-end flashback-_

"But you're not," I whisper tearfully. Finally. Finally, the tears come.

"You disowned me and then you went and died! You lied to me. You left me!"

The tears are coming fast and furiously now. I stare, seeing the clothes he was wearing that morning folded on the bed. I realize that all their clothes were on their beds.

"You all left me!" I sob angrily. My chest is heaving, as if I can't get enough air.

I stumble out of Peter's room and down the hall to mine. I throw myself on the bed and sob my heart out. I'm alone. I've never felt so alone.


	4. The Call

_Disclaimer: I don't own the Chronicles of Narnia. C.S. Lewis does. I don't own this song. Regina Spektor does._

__

* * *

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger...  
Till they're before your eyes.  
You'll come back when they call you.  
_No need to say goodbye…_

_-The Call, Regina Spektor_

* * *

"_Susan…"_

_A Voice is calling me but I'm not sure from where. All around me are green blurs…they could be trees but I can't quite tell. It's as if there is a haze around me, something preventing me from seeing clearly._

"_Susan…" _

_The Voice calls me again. This time it's firmer and I know I should answer but I'm frightened. I don't know who this is, yet I feel like I should._

"_Who are you?" I call out. My voice is in a whisper and I can barely hear it myself, but the Voice has heard me._

"_I Am."_

_The haze around me is maddening and I just want to be able to see where I am._

"_You are who?" I ask again. I must sound stupid._

"_I have always been, and I always will be."_

_Now I know that this is all I'm going to be getting by ways of finding out whom this is, so I try other questions._

"_Why can't I see?"_

"_Because you don't try," the voice says._

_ I can see green blurs and I can see haze, and as far as I know, I'm trying quite hard_

"_I don't understand," I say._

_"Because you won't try."_

"_Why are you here?" I ask._

"_I've always been here."_

"_And where are we?" I question._

"_In a place that you've always been."_

_There's something about that sentence that hits something inside of me and I want to know what the Voice knows, I want to understand. __Suddenly, I hear other voices calling my name. They sound far off…I can barely hear or place them but I strain and I recognize them._

"_My family!" I cry._

"_Yes, dear one."_

_They're voices are fading now, going behind the haze. I want to get to them. My heart is yearning to reach behind the haze and be with them._

"_How do I get to them?_

"_You have to believe."_

"_Believe in what?" I inquire eagerly. _

"_In your memories…"_

_I know what He means. I just don't know how to do what He wants. _

"_I've lost my memories," I say sadly._

"_You haven't. They've always been there. They've lost you."_

_I'm starting to cry. I really want to find my family. I don't care about anything else anymore except that. _"_Please," I beg, "Tell me what to do."_

_The Voice is sterner now._

"_This will not be an easy road."_

"_I don't care. I'll do anything!"_

_The voice is softer, _"_Then listen carefully, dear heart. In your eldest brother's pocket are rings. There are two kinds. A yellow ring will take you to a Wood. In this Wood, there are pools that transport you to other worlds. If you put on a green ring and jump in a pool, you will be taken to that world. To go back to the Wood, you touch a yellow ring. Do you understand?"_

_I was silent for a moment, trying to comprehend._

"_So, the yellow ring goes toward the Wood and the green ring goes away from it."_

"_Correct."_

"_Why am I to do this?"_

"_So that you can believe…"_

_The green blurs grew darker and the last word the Voice spoke faded into a whisper._

I awake with a jolt. It was all a dream. I should know this. My family is dead and they aren't coming back. A dream was the only way that I would ever be able to get back to them.

Incredibly, I start crying because I am actually disappointed. The dream was so real so vivid.

The Voice…

That Voice was so powerful. I can hardly believe that I dreamt up something so…amazing. This is really getting me nowhere. Dwelling on a dream is just going to make the healing process harder. For the first time I say aloud. "My family is dead. They aren't coming back."

This house is getting to me and a walk in fresh air will clear my head.

I climb out of bed and walk down the stairs of my empty home to the backyard. As I take a turn around the yard I can hear people leaving the cemetery and going in the opposite direction from my house. Someone must have convinced them not to come back here.

I sigh with relief and I sit down underneath a tree. As I close my eyes a cool breeze washes over me and I feel some relative calm. It dries the wetness on my cheeks and tosses my hair around my face and I feel like I did when I was younger.

The weight in my chest loosens and I breathe in deeply and exhale freely. If only it were that easy to see my family again. Why, oh why, did I have to have that dream!

I stand up at brush the grass of my dress. I don't really feel like changing. Having a nice dress on makes me feel better. I walk back up into the house, to the bedrooms. I go back to Lucy's room and sit down on her bed. Her clothes are folded in the middle of the bed and I take them up to look at.

It's the red sundress I got her for her last birthday. Red always brings out the warm brown in her hair. I never saw her wear it. I hadn't thought that she liked it. Apparently, I was wrong.

I look over at her desk and see that it's cluttered with paper. How like Lucy. I don't want to change anything in how her room was when she left it, but I'm curious. Rifling through the papers, I see a picture I painted along with a sheet of paper that Lucy wrote.

The picture is of Lucy, standing in snow by a lamppost. Her eyes are open in awe as she gazes at something in the distance. It's a man, or at least I think it is. He has the face of a man, albeit an unnaturally hairy beard, the broad chest of a man and I'm startled to see…the legs of a goat. Hooves and all.

I read the sheet of paper that was lying beside it.

**At The Lamppost**

By: Lucy Pevensie

_I walked in wonder through the snow that had never been stepped in. The air was cold but I was too warm with happiness on the inside to be bothered by it. The crunch of the snow under my feet was a nice change from the summer weather that was back home. _

_I wasn't sure where I was going, but I knew I wouldn't get lost. I was inside the Wardrobe of course, so really I was still in Professor Kirke's house in England. I was just in a different part of it._

_As I walked, I came across something surprising in my path, a lit lamppost, like one in London. It was there, standing lit as though the man who did it had just come._

_I didn't know how it got there but I could feel something magical about this place, like everything was possible._

_I touched the lamppost with the tips of my finger and was surprised by how real and cold it felt in the wood._

_I heard a rustling sound and I looked all around me and I couldn't see who it was but I could hear it coming closer from my left. _

_The surprise I felt when I saw a faun before my eyes, though I didn't know it was a faun, as it was the first one I had ever seen. _

_I screamed and hid behind the lamppost and to my surprise he screamed also and hid behind a tree._

_Hesitantly I looked around the lamppost and saw him looking towards me. We walked toward each other and I picked up the parcels that he had dropped in surprise of seeing me, a human, for the first time._

_We exchanged pleasantries, but what he told me, what changed my life forever was when he told me I was in Narnia, and I knew I was home._

_**-page break**-_

"My God!" I whisper after reading the words of my late sister.

I don't know what to think. Her words are written with such feeling and conviction that I am rendered speechless. She believed it with all her heart. After that moment, England wasn't her home, Narnia was. But Narnia isn't real.

Or is it?

It's impossible. It's absolutely impossible! There can't be a magical land reached in a wardrobe, or by magical rings. But what if there is? I drew that picture and I know that I didn't just imagine up that image. Maybe I saw it in a book.

I can't believe in this. What will I be if I start believing that the games I played during a war-torn youth are real? I'd be a lunatic. The dream keeps coming back to me, and I can't let it go. If there's even a chance that what I dreamt was true, then I could be missing out on my one opportunity to see my family again.

"Crazy, I'm going crazy," I mutter to myself as I sit on Lucy's bed.

I look up at the picture over Lucy's bed. It's a portrait of the two of us on two chestnut coloured horses. We're twice the age there then we were when I painted it, but it's as if it's us looking out.

"But what if?" I muse aloud.

What if?

_**-page break**-_

I'm in Peter's room again and I'm standing with our picture in my hands. This is my motivation.

If I really do get the chance to see my family again, and that's a big _if _because I don't know that all this is real, I'm going to make everything right. In truth, it'll be that they were right and I was wrong so there you go.

But still, it's a long shot.

I put the picture down and walk over to Peter's bed. I take up his sweater and look it over for pockets but I find nothing so I fold it and place it down again.

I pick up his white shirt and it still smells like his cologne as I am going through every pocket on it and still I find nothing.

A wave disappointment washes over me. What am I thinking? I'm looking for a magical ring so I can go to a land I imagined when I was a kid, because a faceless Voice told me to in a dream I had, after my family's funeral.

I pretty much have lost my mind.

With my hope almost lost I pick up Peter's brown slacks and I touch the outside of the left hand pocket and it's flat. I then touch the right hand pocket and I can make out four circular objects. My breath is coming out in short gasps and I fall onto his bed, his slacks still in my hand.

"This isn't happening…this isn't happening…" I repeat to myself like a mantra.

But it is!

I take up the slacks looking them over carefully. Perhaps I had heard him mention that he had rings like this before and that my subconscious just remembered it in my dream.

But then again, perhaps not.

I'm scared to put the ring on. I'm scared that this won't work and that I'll be alone here again. I'm never been good at being alone. When my family left me, I found friends who loved me.

I get up, the slacks are in my hands and I decide to go downstairs to make myself a cup of tea. The toe of my shoe gets caught on the rug at the top of the stairs and I trip and fall forwards. Without even time to scream, I push my arms out to break my fall and as I'm falling my hand goes into the pocket with the rings. And then there's nothing.


	5. Speed of Sound

_Disclaimer: I don't own Narnia. And I don't own the genius that is Coldplay!_

**A/N: I'm looking for a beta, because I figure the fabulous PippinBaggins is up to her ears in univeristy. So, if anyone is interested or knows someone who would be interested, then send a review, send a message, contact me. I like ****people!**

_

* * *

_

_Birds go flying at the speed of sound,  
To show you how it all began.  
Birds came flying from the underground,  
If you could see it then you'd understand,  
Ah, when you see it then you'll understand…  
__  
- Speed of Sound, Coldplay_

* * *

I open my eyes and I am unmistakably no longer in my house. I try to put my feet down on solid ground but all I feel is empty space. I look down and all there is open darkness. I am floating weightlessly in what seems like water.

For a reason unknown to me, I'm not as afraid as I thought I would be in such a situation. The water is calm and peaceful but the burning in my chest is a demand for air, so I try to find my way to the surface. The dark blue starts to fade into a muted green, like sunlight through trees.

I emerge from the pool and sit on the edge in the soft, downy grass. My dress is as dry as it was in the house. I should be sopping wet but I am not.

"What is this place?" I ask out loud to no one. A small guinea pig wanders past with a yellow ring tied to its back. It's the only living creature I sense by me.

I remember the rings and notice that I have them both clutched in my hand. I slip them into my pocket, remembering green is in the left and yellow in the right. I'm feeling drowsy and I lean back against a tree and close my eyes with a content sigh. I don't know what this place is, or why I'm here, but it's the most peaceful place that I've been in a long time and I plan on enjoying it.

The longer I sit here…the more my mind begins to drift. My eyes are closed and I am slipping into sleep when I feel something nudge my feet. It's the little guinea pig. I see him and I remember all that's happened.

So, they _were_ right. They were all bloody right. At least, this does seem like another world, though I don't think its…_Narnia_. Still, a part of me doesn't believe this. I could be having a delusion from grief. I've heard about such things happening. I could be going mad. Either they're right, or I am insane.

My goal though, is to have closure with my family, if that's even possible. The Voice said I could find it and as much as I do want to trust a faceless Voice that came to be in a dream, I'm still skeptical and the doubt is squeezing the small belief that was there.

The green light of the Wood is making my eyes feel tired. I could fall asleep here and sleep forever in perfect peace. But I know I cannot. I need to do what I'm meant to do, if I can.

I presume the way out of this Wood is through one of the many pools. However, there are several pools and I don't know which one to go into or even where it would lead me.

As I look over at the dozen of pools I notice a shadow moving slowly across the grass. I look up to see if it could possibly be the shadow of a cloud moving across the ground, but the trees are so high I can't even see the sky. The shadow stops as if it knows I'm watching.

"This world is so queer…" I breathe. I stand up and walk over to the shadow. It begins crawling across the grass again and I follow it through the towering trees to a pool further into the wood. The shadow stops and then disappears and I'm left staring at the pool. I have a feeling that this is the one that I'm supposed to go into.

I'm hesitant. I might just wake up or I might go somewhere deeper. At this point, I don't even know if I'll ever come back here.

But this is a step of faith that I need to take if I'm going to find my family. I slip my hand into my pocket and pull out the green ring. It's humming; I hadn't noticed that before. I slip it on the index finger of my right hand. It looks very nice actually. It would've gone well with my LaChance dress.

I look back at the pool, say a silent prayer that this isn't a dream, and I jump.

There is darkness all around me. It's so dark that I can't see my hand in front of my face. I'm standing on hard ground that feels like rock. There isn't a breath of wind.

It's so different from the last world that I was in. I shiver. It's a cold and unfriendly place and I feel like a ghost. I wish I wasn't here. I can't hear a sound except my own breathing and possibly my heart pounding in my chest.

Maybe this is the end. I've sunk into a deep coma in my mind and I'll never come out. Maybe I'm dead.

"On the contrary, dear one. You are very much alive." It's the Voice I heard speaking again and the resonating boom of the voice is making the "alive" hang in the darkness. Nevertheless, my heart soars because I'm not alone in this desolate wasteland.

"Who are you?" I ask frantically.

"You will know me in time." I cannot help but groan inwardly because this voice is as firm as Peter, cryptic as Edmund, and stubborn as Lucy.

The Voice chuckles and I do believe he can hear my thoughts. I'm surprised but I still smile even though I can't see where the laugh is coming from.

"Why am I here?"

"You are here because I know that there's doubt in your heart. Your faith is weak."

It's remarkable that he knows this about me but I'm not shocked. I am getting a sense that he's an omniscient presence voice being.

"You can't follow a path you don't believe in."

"How do I believe in something that I cannot see?" I blurt out frustrated, because this is what I've been wondering as long as I can remember.

The Voice doesn't reply. A breeze begins blowing. It's faint but slowly growing in strength until it whips my hair into my face, and I can see the faint shadow of the strands wafting in front of my eyes. If I can see my hair then there must be a light source. I look around me. A small golden light is beginning to glow in the east. I can now see where the gray stone I'm standing on meets the horizon. The light, which I take to be a sun, begins to rise slowly over the horizon.

Turning to see if the new light brings any new sights, I look to the west. A small, silver orb is visible over the horizon and is slowly rising into the sky.

I step back and look up as the sun and the moon begin to rise. They stop on either side of the sky and then as fast as lightning they fly across the sky and switch places so they are now on opposite sides.

I let out a gasp of amazement. A ripple begins moving towards me from the south and as it gets closer I can see that it's grass spreading flat and smooth across the ground. It comes towards me and moves underneath my feet and keeps going. I turn and watch it as it keeps spreading till it's out of sight. I turn back and already there are little saplings springing up out of the ground.

I am watching a world be created, right before my eyes. My eyes are the only eyes to see the birth of this world. I am in absolute awe.

A silver vein begins weaving itself in front of me and I recognize it as a river as it widens. Stones begin rising up in the water and rapids are formed.

The ground suddenly erupts and like a shot, small projectiles are blasted into the air. They begin flying across the sky and when I see their wings flapping I know that they are birds. From the holes that were made by the birds, other animals begin crawling out of the ground and migrating all over the stretch of land.

It's pure beauty. I am stunned to watch the creation of animals. They will be creatures that will form communities and have offspring and populate this world. I spin in a circle, trying to take it all in. The sun and moon govern the sky equally and I feel the warmth of the newly born sun on my face.

I feel it. I'm in it. It's real. I stoop down to the river and run my hand against the surface, casing ripples to form. It's as wet as any water I've ever know, maybe even wetter. I form a cup with my hand and dip it in to taste the water and it's sweet and cold and as I swallow it I can feel the delightful chill flowing through my entire body.

I sit on the grassy bank and lie down. The grass cradles me and I sink into it. It's soft and lush, better than my bed in Essex. I am the only person here and yet I'm not lonely. I can feel the magic resonating through the entire world. I close my eyes and tears begin to prick them as I am overcome with emotion. I cannot believe that I am so fortunate to be witnessing this and yet so unworthy. I finally understand. I finally believe.

"You are ready, daughter of Eve." The voice is joyful around me and I can feel the world respond.

I smile, "What must I do now?"

"Everything is laid about before you, dear one. You will fall into place. And I am with you…"

The last sentence fades into the wind and when I open my eyes, I am once again in the Wood laying by the pool I had first jumped into.

I sit up and look around me. I feel in my heart and soul that there is another world and in that world I will find my family and be able to make things right again. How can I not believe after what I've seen? I know the Voice created that world and perhaps the world where my family is…Narnia.

I see the shadow again and at once I am up and following it through the Wood, going deeper and deeper till I think I will reach the end but just find deeper forest in front of me. I reach a pool and once again I stand on the edge and look down into the crystal water. Without a second thought, I jump.


	6. Two Worlds Collide

_Disclaimer: I don't own this song, or anything by C.S Lewis. _

_

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_She was scared of it all, watching from far away.  
She was given a role, never knew just when to play.  
And she tried to survive living her life on her own  
Always afraid of the throne…_

_--Two Worlds Collide, Demi Lovato_

* * *

Once again, I'm underwater. You would think I'd be used to this, but I'm not. This time the light shining from above me is like a golden cloud and I know that it's true sunlight. I kick for the surface and find myself gradually entering shallower water. I am able to stand up in the water and realize that unlike the other time, this time I'm actually wet.

"Great, just bloody great," I mumble because now I'm standing in a middle of an ocean, judging from the salty taste as I lick my lips, without any other clothing. I look behind me and all I see is the clear expanse of water. It's so blue, like the sky that it's almost impossible to see the horizon but I can make out the shimmering line. I face what's before me and let out a long sigh.

There's a beautiful, white sand beach. It's glittering in the sunlight. Behind it is a large expanse of trees, dozens upon dozens of trees. The beach looks uninhabited and I realize that I'm a bit scared of being on a deserted beach. I walk towards the beach because it's better than standing in the middle of the ocean. As the small waves crash against my dress, I bemoan the loss of the designer clothing to the damaging effects of salt water. As the material gets more saturated it's beginning to get harder for me to walk through the water and by the time I reach the white sand I am thoroughly out of breath and I sit myself down on the warm sand.

I pull my knees up to my chest and hold them against me. The ocean is so…big. I feel entirely small at the moment. I suppose this is Narnia. For the first time, the thought of the name sends a small shiver of excitement up my spine. From what I've seen, I can't doubt anymore that this is the place that I was meant to be sent to.

So, the seven were right. And I have been here before. As I think it, I feel a rightness sink into me. I close my eyes and lie back on the beach. I'll care later about the sand in my hair.

Memories begin flooding my mind. At first they are hazy but they start becoming clearer. I see a lamppost, the same one from my painting. I see the faun, and I remember that his name was Mr. Tumnus. I see myself walking through a forest in winter with Peter, Edmund and Lucy. We are following two beavers. The image changes to Peter, Lucy and me on a piece of ice, flying down a river. We are walking towards a pavilion. There are strange creatures all around but I can put names to them now…centaurs, satyrs, dryads…now we're kneeling and I look up and…

"Oh, Aslan…" I breathe as I open my eyes. How could I have ever forgotten about Aslan? I suddenly realize something that I should have known all along, and maybe deep down I did. The Voice was Aslan. He had been guiding me ever since I had the dream. Maybe even since that first dream the night that I found out…about them.

I feel ashamed. How could I have let the little things in my life become greater than what really mattered. Those things faded and, apparently, Narnia was around forever.

I look around me and I see that the shadows of the trees are long beside me. The sun is in the west meaning that it is close to sunset. I don't feel like moving yet. I want to enjoy the peace I have right now, because when I have to think about what I'm going to do for food or shelter, I _will_ have an anxiety attack.

I lie back once more and let some more memories return. We're riding through Lantern Waste. I can't believe I remember the name. We're adults though. It's funny but how we looked then is exactly how we turned out. After we grew up again in England, of course. In my memory we look more medieval. We also look happier.

My memories shift and we're in Narnia once more. Peter and I are walking with Aslan. In my memory Aslan is as tall as an elephant in the London zoo and the golden aura coming from around him is blinding. He's telling Peter and me that we aren't going to come back to Narnia. That we've learned all we can from that world and must live in our own. And I did just that, but I don't think it's the way I should have. But if Peter and I weren't able to come back then is he really here? And how am I here? I don't take Aslan to be a hypocrite so he must know what he's doing.

Night is coming in quickly and I know that I have to find some sort of shelter because I don't know who or what may be here and I've learned enough that you don't sleep in an open area. I stand up and my dress is completely stiff with salt and covered in sand. I reach a hand up to my hair and I can feel the stiffness from the salt and the tangles from being in water and not brushing out my hair.

"Oh, joy," I sigh. I walk into the forest breaking off branches as I go along so I can follow a path back to the beach if I need to. The forest is dense and I keep getting scratches on my arms.

I finally come across a small opening in the trees and there's a bush with enough room for me to lie underneath. I sigh, it's not my bed, but it'll have to do. I look around and find a bunch of leaves scattered on the forest floor. I pick them up and arrange them in a large pile. This will be my pillow. I lie down and I'm thankful the air coming from the ocean is warm. It lulls me to sleep.

I wake up to the sound of a bird chirping above me. I roll over onto my back and open my eyes. The trees are tall but I can still see the sky, which is a clear blue. I smell the salt wafting on a breeze from the ocean and I sigh pleasantly. This does feel like home.

As I sit up I begin to feel the consequences of sleeping on the forest floor. My body is rigid and sleeping and waking up in my salt-stiff dress does not help at all.

"Oh…." I groan because I realize that I'm without any hygiene products or any food for that matter. I'm by myself in a blasted forest! Rather than sulk here and have to get up later I decide that I'll be less upset if I get up now.

I get up and since there's more light than there was last night I can see more of what's around me. There are trees around me. Trees that don't grow in England but I remember the names of them anyways. Dury Pines and Flutterbarks. It's fantastic. I'm amazed that what I'd forgotten is coming back to me so quickly.

I continue walking and come across a meadow that is surrounded by apple trees. My mouth is watering from the prospect of food and I can hear my stomach growling unattractively. I look around and see which would be the easiest tree for me to climb. I haven't climbed a tree since I was thirteen and being eight years out of practice, I'm a bit nervous.

Unfortunately for me, the tree with the lowest branches happens to me the tallest tree of the lot. I might actually have the worst luck in the world. I swing myself onto the first branch with surprisingly little effort. Balancing carefully, I work my way up the next four branches till I'm sitting perched on the fifth one about 20 metres off the ground. I pick an apple and bite into it greedily. The juice is sweet and flows over my tongue deliciously. I finish the apple quickly and throw the core far into the grove of trees. I eat three more before I'm satisfied with my breakfast. It's when I attempt to get down that I realize, that's not going to happen.

Certainly, climbing up was easy. An absolute breeze even, but getting down is another matter. I am very high up and it's a long way down and that first branch seems quite far away.

"Well, I can't bloody sit here for the rest of my life!" I groan.

I sit there for ten minutes trying to figure out the best way to get down without breaking my body when I hear the _clop clop_ of a horse's hooves coming from the southern end of the meadow. I turn around, very carefully, and see a blond man with shoulder length locks and hair falling carelessly into his eyes. He's wearing a black tunic with red tights and black boots and a scarlet cape over his shoulders. He's on a midnight black horse and I can tell he's royalty by the gold circlet on his head.

As my memories of ruling in Narnia come back I remember when my siblings and I would go for leisurely rides we would abandon almost all evidence to the fact that we were Kings and Queens.

My thoughts return back to the man. He is by far one of the most handsome men I've ever seen. His face is stern but pleasant and I can tell that he's intelligent. He hasn't seen me yet and I'm still deliberating whether or not I should make myself known to him so he can help me. I shift on the branch to try and get in a more comfortable position and I knock down a couple of the apples.

"Bloody hell," I say under my breath. I wasn't done deciding yet.

Of course, being the well-trained huntsman he is, the man looks up at me in surprise.

"Hail fair maiden," he calls in a manly tenor.

"Um…hello." Well, that was perfect. I'm sitting in a tree, in a disgusting sand covered dress that I slept in, with my hair caked in salt and knotted.

"Why are thou up in the tree?" he asks. Thou? I am taken aback…but then I remember during the days of my reign, that's how I spoke too.

"Why would anyone be up in an apple tree?" I snap. I don't mean to be rude but I'm a bit annoyed at the foolishness of the situation. He smirks up at me, yes, he smirks. He has cheek!

"Well, if you are done breakfasting…why not come down?" Oh, he is clever. He knows perfectly well that I'm stuck, but I'm not about to admit it.

"Because…because…because I don't want to, that's why!"

Oh, that was smooth. That was real smooth.

"Well, lady, I see your mind is made up. Good morrow." And with that he began to trot along the path out of the forest.

Now, I'm not an idiot so I'm fairly sure I'm watching an opportunity pass me by right now. The opportunity to get out of this Godforsaken tree!

"Wait, sir!" I call.

He halts his horse and turns around and comes back to the base of the tree. His blue eyes, which are the deepest and most breathtaking blue I've ever seen, twinkle mockingly up at me. He's expecting me to say something.

I muster up all the pride that is possible to muster when you're wearing clothing that must look strange and dirty, with hair that is caked with salt and looks like a bird nested in it, all while sitting stuck in a tree. It's a very small amount.

"I would appreciate it if you were able to aid me out of the tree, for I got myself stuck."

He chuckles lowly and climbs off his horse and stands beneath the tree with his arms open. I wait for him to say something or start climbing up the tree.

"Well, aren't you going to help me?" I ask a little exasperated.

"Jump, lady."

Jump. He expects me to jump out of the tree into his arms. Maybe I'm, the sane one and these Narnians are the crazy ones.

"Are you insane?" I call down with an incredulous laugh

He eyes me strangely, "No, I'm not. Are you?"

He asks me with all seriousness and I don't know whether to laugh or scream.

"I can't jump! I might fall on the ground and die!" I yell to him.

He shakes his head and smiles, "I won't let you touch the ground."

"I might fall on your sword," I say eyeing the shiny long scabbard attached to his belt.

He looks down and removes the belt and places it on the ground.

"Lady?"

Well, it definitely seems that there is nothing more that I can do. My heart is thudding so loudly that I can hear it and I would bet money that he can hear it too. I swing my legs over the side of the branch and look down at him with his arms open. I beg Aslan to not let me die without seeing my family as I throw myself off the branch and hurtle through the air.

I don't scream, because I have no time. As soon as I realize I'm out of the tree, I find myself in his arms. His left arm is around my back and his right one underneath my knees. I find myself face to face with him and the blueness of his eyes up close is startling.

I jump out of his arms as quickly as I possibly can and attempt to smooth down my clothing. I don't even want to touch my hair because if I feel how awful it is, I will probably cry.

Remembering my manners I look up at him and curtsy. "Thank you…er…"

"I am King Tirian of Narnia, Emperor of the Lone Islands, Lord of Cair Paravel, Knight of the Most Noble Order of the Lion."

So, he's a King of Narnia. I laugh inwardly. If I had been any other woman I probably would have swooned to be saved by the King. But, I used to be Queen Susan of Narnia and I've had kings of nations beg for my hand and wars almost started at my refusal.

"A pleasure, your Majesty."

He nods and looks at me curiously, "And if I may know your name, my lady, for I feel as if I should. You look familiar to me."

I should look familiar to him, that is, if my portraits still hang in Cair Paravel. I'm hesitant to tell him who I am though. I don't know what reaction I might get. If he's talked to Peter then well…

"I'm Susan Pevensie," I say holding my breath.

First shock flies across his face. His eyes widen and his mouth forms a small "o". His kingly upbringing makes him quickly correct his face. Now his expression is admiration.

Tirian kneels on one knee and bows his head to me. I'm a bit taken aback. This definetly wasn't expected.

"It is an honor to meet you, your Majesty. The stories of Queen Susan of the Horn are known far and wide through all lands."

Oh, Lord. I'm known far and wide through all lands. Not sure how to feel about this, but normally I'd love it.

"King Tirian, you can get up or rise...I suppose." I say this awkwardly because I don't feel worthy of having him kneel before me.

He gets up and reattaches his belt. He stands up straight and I notice how tall he is. Not that I'm not tall as well, because I am. I'm 5'10" but he has at least four inches on me.

"Your Majesty, I beg your pardon for my confusion but I was under the impression that you were not to come back to Narnia."

"So was I…" I whispered.

Tirian looks me over and there is something in his eyes I can't quite place, understanding perhaps.

"Well, what is the Queen's business in Narnia?" he asks me.

I'm not ready to answer and I think he understands that as well. He looks over my strange dress but he doesn't seem too surprised. "Your Majesty looks as if she could use some…refreshing."

For the first time I smile and laugh a bit, "I could indeed."

A grin lights up Tirian's face and I can tell he is happy that he can help me. "As your Majesty remembers the Royal Households of the Lone Islands are here on Avra."

I nod. I remember. Avra with the baths of ice water and body creams of Asses' milk. He holds out his hand to help me onto his horse and I take it with a smile and climb on. Tirian mounts behind me and grabs the reins. We begin moving at a slow trot and I'm reminded of all the times I went riding through Narnia and the Lone Islands.

"Queen Susan—" Tirian begins.

I interrupt a tad rudely but I need to get something off my chest, "Can you please not call me Queen Susan, or your Majesty?"

Tirian is silent for a moment, "Very well. But, you are not a commoner and I will not term you as one. What shall I call you that is to your liking?"

I think, "Lady Susan."

"Very well, Lady Susan."

There's a nice quiet for a while and I enjoy the pleasant ride through the forest. Tirian's chest is against my back and I can feel his voice rumble through me as he speaks.

"Lady Susan, may I ask…why you've come?"

"I'm here to find my family. I suppose you've heard that there is a rift between my family and myself." I take his silence as a yes. "I'm here to fix that crack in my family."

"That's noble of you, my Lady."

I don't agree so I don't say anything and I believe he knows. We continue our ride in silence through the ancient forest.

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**A/N: Thanks for reading! If you're curious to see what Susan and King Tirian look like, check the pictures on my profile =)**

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	7. Book of Days

_Disclaimer: I don't own Narnia. Just my copies of the books and the movies ;)_

**A/N: Happy New Year! Thanks for supporting my story in 2009. Hope 2010 brings you tons of awesomeness! And thank you to my beta Itarille Celebrindal!**

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_One day, one night, one moment,  
With a dream to believe in.  
One step, one fall, one falter,  
And a new earth across a wide ocean.  
This way became my journey…_

_-Book of Days, Enya_

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The trees begin thinning out as we reach the edge of the forest. Above the green treetops I spy the gray towers of the castle. As we continue to trot along I can't help but be a bit surprised by the memories that return as we approach the Royal Households.

I remember taking rides with my siblings in the late afternoon, close to when the sun was setting. I can picture myself walking through these woods with Lucy in the early mornings when the sun was just rising and we would stand watching the sky painted in thin pink streaks. The picnics we would have on the castle grounds with our entire court would be full of dancing and merriment. I sigh gently, basking in the pleasant thoughts.

We reach the courtyard and an attendant comes and grabs the reins. Tirian effortlessly dismounts and offers his hand to help me down.

"My Lady," he bows.

"Thank you."

The attendant looks at me curiously and I am once again embarrassed for the state that I'm in. My dress has salt stains; it's covered in sand and my hair…I touch the long strands, which are stiff and knotted, and I can't help the little moan that escapes my lips.

Tirian notices my anguish and motions to a lady-in-waiting standing near the doors, watching. Quickly she comes to his side and gives a little curtsy, her eyes gazing at Tirian far too boldly for someone of her position.

"Could you attend to Queen Susan? Show her to a room with fresh clothing and assist her with anything she requests," he says in that same commanding tone that Peter had. It all makes sense now. I shoot him a glare for calling me Queen Susan and he replies unapologetically.

"They must know who you are." Without looking at me, the girl curtsies again and for the first time I hear her speak, her voice sickly sweet.

"Anything your Majesty wishes." I may be imagining things, but I believe that she meant more by that statement than she let on.

"I hope you will find everything to your satisfaction."

"I am sure I will if all is as I remember."

We enter the castle and as we walk up the spiral staircase toward the royal apartments, I am shocked by the expansiveness of the place. The walls of the foyer are covered in beautiful tapestries and upstairs in the hall hang portraits of Narnia's monarchs past.

I hesitate to look for myself because I will be slightly disappointed if I am not there, but out of the corner of my eye I see myself looking back at me. It almost stops my heart. In the portrait I look so mature and…royal. I am wearing a beautiful forest green gown and a small golden crown that looks like twisted ivy and leaves rests upon my brow. On my back is a quiver full of arrows, my initials emblazoned in silver upon the leather. In my hand I have my bow, an arrow at the ready. I can almost hear the twang of the string as my arrow flies through the air.

"If you _please_," the lady-in-waiting says, her voice irritated. She opens a door and and I walk inside.

I gasp and turn around as I look over the entire room. It is a spacious apartment with red and yellow wallpaper. To my right is a large bed with four posts and a curtain. In the center of the room is a wooden rosewood table with four chairs and directly in front of me is a little window seat overlooking a large window. I have a fireplace on the left with a fire made for the upcoming evening.

"Beautiful," I breathe as I take in the room. I stride over the large armoire and open it wide to find a number of dresses all in my size. I run my hands over the soft silken fabrics. They feel so fine and impressive and I am in heaven.

Anne leaves me to explore and goes through a door by the fireplace. I hear buckets of water being splashed into a tub and my skin tingles with the promise of a bath. I go in and look at the white and black tiled floor upon which the large ivory tub sits. I go behind the screen and take of my dress so I'm left in my slip and hand it to Anne.

"Burn this please," I say, though it pains me to do so. When she is gone, I let myself sink into the delicious cold water and I am revitalized. The scented water smells divine and I am finally able to wash my hair and rid it of the tangles that had so frustrated me earlier. I could stay in here forever except that I am famished and need to eat.

I climb out of the bath and put on a dressing gown before going to the vanity to comb out my hair, now soft and manageable. I am happier now than I have been in a very _long_ time. Still, I must find my brothers and sisters and that will mean getting to Narnia. I shall have to ask Tirian the best way in which to do that, but I cannot very well do so without clothing.

I look through the armoire for a dress and I find a beautiful gown of burgundy velvet with gold accents and detailed beadwork on the skirt and sleeves. I sigh as I slip the dress on and hear a knock at the door.

"Enter."

In steps King Tirian himself, followed by Anne carrying a tray that looks larger than she herself is. On it are silver covers over what I very much hope is a warm meal. I look at Tirian. He is without his cloak but has a larger crown on his head than before. He bows and I curtsy and then he speaks.

"Your beauty is well-known throughout Narnia, Calormen and Archenland but I see now that our portraits are but poor shadows of your true presence."

I remember the courteous flattery of kings and princes and the promises of love and war they could bring.

"Thank you, your Majesty." I beckon for him to sit at the table with me. He lets himself fall into the chair comfortably and smiles.

"I thought you might prefer to eat in here rather than face the public so soon."

He is right and I nod and smile, "Your concern is most welcome."

Anne puts down the tray and uncovers the meal and my eyes widen. It is the most wonderful meal I have seen in a long time. There is cold fowl, bread with butter, roasted potatoes and vegetables, baked apples and small cakes. Anne steps out for a moment and brings back a jug full of what smells like spiced wine. She pours Tirian a goblet and then myself.

He raises his cup.

"To Aslan?"

I tap my goblet against his, "To Aslan." We begin eating in a comfortable silence but I feel the need to speak to him about my situation pressing upon me.

"King Tirian," I begin with some importance, "as I told you before, I have a need to see my brothers and sister. They are here?"

He nods, "Yes, at Cair Paravel."

"Do you have any suggestions as to how I might travel there?"

His eyes are thoughtful and he strokes his chin, "Well, yes, I can think of one." There is a smile in his eyes. I look at him expectantly.

"You could accompany us as we sail back on the _Phoenix Rising_."

I can feel my face light up, "I would greatly appreciate it!"

"Good. We set sail tonight."

"Tonight?" I am surprised, "is it not customary to leave in the morning?"

"It is, but I would rather leave tonight while the wind is in our favour. The crew has been stocking and preparing the ship all day in preparation."

"How long do you estimate it will take us?"

"Approximately three weeks if the winds stay at our backs."

"Anne," I call over my shoulder. She is sitting in a chair by the door, listening to everything we're saying I gather.

"Would you be able to please fetch me a bag and help me fill it will all the necessary things one generally takes on a three week sea voyage."

"Do you have all that you need?" King Tirian asks.

"I have one slight dilemma, your Majesty." I open the armoire, "I do not think these will all fit in a bag."

"Lady Susan, this will be your cabin," Tirian says as he opens the door for me.

Inside is quite cozy with fireplace against one wall, a small fire already lit. On the wooden floor is a round, oriental looking rug of red and black. There is a dark wooden table on the rug. Opposite the door is a pointed springline window and across from the fire is the bunk.

"I hope this is to your liking?"

"It is. I love it!"

Tirian looks pleased, "Anne will arrange your things and I will give you a tour of the ship."

We leave Anne to organize the room as Tirian shows me the ship. We have not left the dock yet because a few more supplies are being loaded onto the ship. I am shown the main deck the cargo hold below deck, the crew bunks and the galley.

When we arrive back on deck, it is finally time to set sail. All the people of the island have come to bid the Narnians farewell and I am nostalgic as I remember times when they would have been shouting my name. I see Anne fuming and am pleased that we are leaving her behind.

As we begin to pull away, I look to Tirian, "By what route are we headed?"

"We are on course for Felimath by morning. I enjoy stopping there whenever I visit the Lone Islands. After that we must sail to the Seven Isles to collect the taxes due to Narnia; as the last King of Narnia, this task falls to me. After that Terebinthia and straight to—"

"What do you mean, 'the last King of Narnia '?" Interrupting is becoming a terrible habit with me.

"You do not know…"

"Well, as you and the maid are the only people I have spoken to while here…."

Tirian offers me his arm, "Come…we shall talk."

He leads me to the front of the ship to the bow. The sun is low on the western horizon and the reflection of the sky upon the ocean is like purple and red paint swirled in the water.

"What do you mean by saying that you are the Last King of Narnia?"

Tirian looks over the water, his eyes are far away, "I was the King ruling when Narnia came to its end."

My blood freezes, "How can Narnia have ended? We are here aren't we?"

"No, we are in the True Narnia. Aslan's Narnia. What you and I knew before, that was the Shadowlands."

I cannot say anything. The Narnia I knew was not the real Narnia. Or rather it was Narnia, but this Narnia right now is the real one.

"King Tirian," my breath is shaking, "tell me everything."

"There was an ape, a beast of evil, named Shift. He coerced a donkey into dressing up in a lion skin and told all the Narnians that he was Aslan come to punish them for their wickedness. He controlled Narnia along with the Calormens. They…" Tirian stopped and drew in a ragged breath, "cut down the trees of Lantern Waste."

I feel a sob in my throat. To imagine the beautiful, holy talking trees of Lantern Waste cut down and never to dance again. It is unthinkable. I feel the tears begin to roll down my face. Some of those trees were once my friends, my royal companions.

"Do not weep, fair Lady," he says giving me a piece of soft cloth to wipe my eyes. I motion for him to continue.

"I did not know what to do. To see my people falling at what seemed to be the hand of Aslan. Do I stop it or let justice prevail? But then I heard the foul ape say that Aslan was Tash and that Tash was Aslan. That they were one and the same and called Tashlan. I knew it to be a work of evil. I was tied to a tree and had no hope left in me but the knowledge that when Narnia was ever in a trouble, children would come from your world and help.

"I called to your world, to Aslan. I was then pulled inside a dream where I stood in a room with the Seven Friends of Narnia."

"Your royal brother Peter, the High King, charged me to state if I was friend or foe but I could not speak and the room and the people faded away. It was one of my most discouraging nights. But that morning, the Lord Eustace and the Lady Jill joyfully greeted me. They told me how I had appeared to them and that the High King Peter and King Edmund had gone looking for rings afterward. Nevertheless, they were my aides and Narnia has never known braver souls. Alas, Narnia was overthrown and the thought of it still hurts my heart but…Aslan led his honest followers into the true Narnia where all people of Narnia's history were brought together once more, forever."

Except for me.

Tirian is probably waiting for me to say something, and in truth, there were a million things I wanted to say. And what was that look in his eye when he spoke of Jill….

"My God…I was there…"

"What troubles you Lady?"

I swallow hard, "That night…when you appeared…to the Seven," I cannot help but say it with envy, "I was there. I was there that night. Lucy asked me to stay but I…" My voice trails off.

Tirian is wide-eyed, "My Lady…what happened in your world…how are you here?"

Well, I suppose this talk was going to happen eventually, no matter how much I tried to postpone it. I look out towards the setting sun.

"It's all my own fault I suppose. I didn't believe in Narnia anymore. I don't know why. But there was tension among us because of it. I couldn't stand hearing their childish Narnia stories, so when they asked me to stay that night I went out instead. Everyone went back to our home in the country except for Peter and Edmund. But they weren't talking to me…until…the day they came back covered in mud; I suppose that was the day they found the rings. Peter and I had a row and well, he said that he no longer thought of me as his sister. Edmund made some allusion to Aslan and I snapped at him. They left to meet the train the next day…oh, a train is like—"

"Metal carriages joined together in a line," he says smirking.

"How did you know that?" I am stunned.

"Eustace mentioned them once and I asked Jill about them."

Jill. Wonderful Jill. Every man and his horse love Jill.

"But continue Lady. I apologize."

"That night, I was told that my family…my whole family…was killed in a train accident. I don't remember too well what happened after that. The funeral was in the country and I ran away to the house. I walked through my brothers and sister's rooms looking at their stuff and wishing that we hadn't had to end as a broken family. I had a dream…and there was a voice telling me to look for the rings in my brother's pockets and that I would be able to find them again and make everything right. I didn't believe it but I just had to try and I ended up in a Wood with many pools and…" I don't want to mention watching a world be created, not yet. That belongs to me still, "I ended up here."

"By the Mane! You traveled to the Wood Between the Worlds. The Lord Diggory and Lady Polly have told tales of it."

"I remember stories of it now…vaguely."

I attempt to stifle a yawn with the back of my hand. The sound of the waves against the hull is soothing.

"My Lady…" Tirian's voice is low and I can tell my tiredness has not gone without notice, "shall I assist you back to your cabin?"

He helps me up and once again offers me his arm. I did not realize how dark it had gotten. Tirian opens my cabin door for me.

"Good evening, Lady Susan."

I'm awake enough to remember manners. "Thank you for everything…for passage and…" I don't know how to say what I am thinking.

"I understand." He says as he closes the door.

I am left in my cabin and decide to sit in front of the fire and think. Tirian is more attentive than I give him credit for. I think he knows I was hiding things tonight, but I'm glad he did not push me to talk of them. I also believe he has feelings for Jill. I scowl into the fire. Eventually, I get up and get ready for bed.

When I lay down, I close my eyes once more and let the rocking of the ship lull me to sleep.


	8. I Caught Myself

_Disclaimer: I don't own Narnia, but I do visit from time to time ;)_

**A/N: Hope 2010 is going well. Cheers!**

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_You got it. You got it, some kind of magic…  
Hypnotic, hypnotic…  
You're leaving me breathless…_

_- I Caught Myself, Paramore_

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"Land, Ho!"

The cry of the lookout rips me from my sleep. It's one of those awakenings where I do now wish to open my eyes, not from facing the day, but because I am so comfortable.

I look out the window and see sunshine reflecting off the sea. I have a feeling that today is going to be a good day. There is a bowl of water and a cloth on the table, I suppose that is was left last night before I came in. I wash my face and rinse my mouth.

In my bags that were brought I choose a simple indigo gown with a lighter blue sash around waist.

I just brush my hair and leave it down, because today I want to just be light and free. As I walk on deck everything is lively. The crew is running around and preparing to make port at Felimath. I go the railing and look towards the land. It is a lush, green island that makes a distinct spot in the water. The trees aren't very tall and the grass stretches on forever. There aren't any buildings or people where we are. It looks utterly peaceful.

"Lady Susan," Tirian's deep voice pulls me out of my thoughts and I turn towards him. He is dressed simply as well, I notice. He wears a blue tunic with a brown belt, brown leggings with matching boots, and his small gold circlet on his head.

"You look well, my lady,"

I look up. "As do you, your Majesty." I say with a smile.

"We are about to breakfast in the dining room…"

I nod and follow him down below. There is a long table with benches on either side where the crew is currently standing. Tirian stands at the head of the table and motions for me to stand on his left. I try to keep my eyes focused on the table.

"We give thanks to Aslan for this meal," Tirian says in his stately voice before sitting. Everyone else nods and sits and I do likewise.

Our breakfast is porridge with brown sugar sprinkled on top, oranges and apples. It is fortunate that we have food that one could only hope on a commoner ship.

Everyone is talking about the long voyage ahead, but I am staying silent. I feel a bit out of place. In reality, I feel tremendously ill at ease with everyone. Tirian already knows my story. I can tell. I cannot help but feel that all the others do as well.

"King Tirian, how long have the seven been in Narnia?"

He drinks some water from his goblet and looks thoughtfully, "A month, I believe."

"A month?" I gasp. I remember the muddle of time between England and Narnia but still they only died five days ago. I cannot help but be taken aback. "The accident was only five days ago."

"Ah. The shift between our worlds. Jill thought that she had come during the reign of—" he stops abruptly and clears his throat.

"If you would excuse me?" I say standing to my feet.

"Of course." He stands and his face is puzzled but he says no more. I curtsy hastily and leave.

I walk out to the deck and breath. I had not notice we have already docked and that the walkway is down. A stroll on Felimath does not seem like a very bad idea right now. I walk down to the shore and up onto the grassy plains. Everything is just as I remember. A light breeze ripples the grass and blows my hair back from my face. I walk through the field making sure I am always in sight of the Phoenix Rising.

I feel lonely. Before Lucy and I would take walks on Felimath in the early morning. When the Splendor Hyaline docked here we would leave the ship at dawn, before the crew or the court were up and come down and walk barefoot through the soft grass. We would talk about everything from music to books and even handsome kings and princes we met I think Lucy has always been my best friend. Even though we grew apart. She always just seemed so much younger than me and I met new people who had similar interests to mine but Lucy knew me. I think she may have known me better than I knew myself.

I wonder what it will be like when I see them again. My main struggle will be Peter. If he does not forgive me and I am stranded here without them…or…will I have to go back to England after I have already seen them and after I have already met Tirian.

Tirian. I should not feel anything towards him but friendship.

But there is something about Tirian. I thought, being a Narnian King, he would be appalled that I, a former queen of Narnia, should forget about this place and turn my back on Aslan. But he was understanding if not sympathetic. It's a given that he is incredibly attractive and I'd be surprised if any woman was not attracted to him. But I am not any woman. I should not be falling for him. When his eyes are on me though, sharp and insightful, it is like they see into me and through me.

I hear a rustle in the grass behind me and I glance over my shoulder to see Tirian. I declare, that man appears out of nowhere. My face flushes slightly because I'd be embarrassed if he knew what I had just been thinking. "Your Majesty," I curtsy.

"Lady Susan," he bows, "I hope I am not ruining your solitude, but you seemed lonesome."

I smile and tell him that I would enjoy the company. We walk silently until Tirian speaks to me. "I have been told about you before."

I sigh, "I thought as much. I cannot imagine it was anything good.

"Your family loves you." He does not deny what I have inferred.

"So, I am right." It's a statement not a question. I can imagine some of the things they have been saying about me. He stops and I turn to him. His face is considerate.

"They are disappointed. They think you do not believe and just care for…how was it put, "nylons, lipstick and invitations". But they cannot know why you stopped believing until you know."

They think that I just care for nylons, lipstick and invitations. I have such a feeling that those are Jill's words. Normally I would be feeling offended. But there is truth behind that statement.

"Maybe…perhaps I do know. It hurt to believe in Narnia. It hurt too much to know the beauty of being an adult and then having it all taken away. Once I knew we were not coming back, I decided that once I reached the age I had been in Narnia, I would enjoy it for all it was worth. I knew how easily it could slip away. There was no room for Narnia in my life anymore."

I had never been that honest with myself before and now I had admitted my weakness to myself and Tirian. He began walking again and I followed.

"I cannot possibly…imagine what it has been like for you. To lose everything you loved that was here."

"Peter, Edmund and Lucy always had more faith in Narnia than I did. I do not know what was wrong with me. How I could let things get in the way like I did."

Tirian looks at me, "We all make mistakes, Lady Susan. I…" he looks down for a moment, "my faith in Aslan and Narnia was shaken too. When I heard that Narnia was turning into a country as vile as Calormen and all in the name of Aslan I wondered if he cared for us at all. I thought that maybe he was an evil fiend. But I came back and so have you. Do no fret, Lady Susan."

I look over his shoulder towards the ocean. What he said has touched me. Men are not usually ones to tell of their weaknesses, especially a king who is strength to his people.

A sudden impulse comes over me. I put my hands on his shoulders and kiss him gently on his cheek. I let it linger and pull away. It is innocent but my heart is pounding and I feel the blood rushing through my veins.

"Thank you," I say before turning around and heading towards the ship, I look back at him, "And call me Susan."

"Tirian," I say as we walk away from the railing of the ship. We have spent the last ten minutes waving goodbye to the people of the Seven Isles. It's been a few days since that walk on Felimath and Tirian and I have become quite good friends.

"Yes, Susan," he replies giving one last wave over his shoulder. We go to the prow, which has become our spot for talking out of the earshot of others.

"Do you really think that it was wise for me to buy all those dresses and shoes out of the Royal Depository?" My mind goes back the all the beautiful clothing that I have just purchased. And a wonderful pair of shoes that would have been worth more than the most expensive Roger Vivier shoe, in England.

"Well," he says as we sit, "if you do not want them I am sure someone like Lucy or Jill wouldn't mind—"

"I do not think you want to finish that sentence, your Majesty." I play being stern but he knows I am kidding. "I do not care if I am not a queen, we will just say you bought it all. The pink dress would look fabulous on you."

Tirian ignores my joke and turns to me startled. "What do you mean you are not a queen?"

I feel the beginning of a very unpleasant conversation. Tirian never refers to me by a title anymore, for which I am glad. I had hoped he would leave it at that.

"I am no queen, Tirian."

He quotes the familiar adage I have heard so many times, "Once a queen of Narnia, always a queen of Narnia."

I look down, "I do not believe that applies to me any longer Tirian. I am not here to be a queen. I am here to find my family and make things right. I have no right to be a queen."

His eyes are firing and he shakes his head, "Susan…you are a queen. I look at you and I see the woman that I have heard stories about. Queen Susan the Gentle. You are the Susan who saved Narnia. Queen Susan of the Horn. One of the original four sovereigns."

It breaks my heart to hear myself so well defended by him, but that was the past and right now I need to concentrate on my priorities and none of those is being a queen. I say nothing back and he frowns and drops the subject but his brow is furrowed and I know that he is annoyed with me. I reach and grab his hand in mine and when he looks over I smile.

"Please, do not be cross with me."

He looks down at our clasped hands and intertwines our fingers. "How could I ever be?"

Blue as the sea we sail on, his eyes penetrate mine and I feel my breath catch in my throat. I do believe that I am in serious danger of falling for this man. No one in England has ever…affected me the way he does. It's frightening, for I feel I could lose myself in him.

We sit in splendid silence and gaze ahead. The sun is right above our heads and it glitters on the water. I close my eyes and raise my head to feel the heated rays spread across my face. I feel Tirian move close to me and I open my eyes. He looks in my eyes and brushes my hair back behind my ear. I cannot talk. I cannot breathe. I gasp as his fingers touch my cheek. I turn my head away and stand up.

"Tirian, I can't…" I have no words to say. No explanation for why I want to escape. Rather, I have no explanation that I want to give him.

He releases my hand as if he were holding hot coals. I have frightened him and I didn't mean to because I am frightened myself.

I curtsy quickly and hurry to my cabin. When I am inside, I shut the door and go look at myself in the mirror. I cannot lie to myself. The together woman I see in the mirror is a greatly contrast the mess of confusion I really am.


	9. Wicked Game

_Disclaimer: I don't own Narnia, or this song. _

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The world was on fire and no one could save me but you.  
Strange what desire will make foolish people do…  
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you.  
I never dreamed that I'd love somebody…

_- Wicked Game, Giant Drag_

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It is so strange that even my uncomfortable moments with Tirian do not cause us to act any differently towards each other. We're still as close as we were before. Men like him are rare. They aren't scared by feelings. Feelings. We have not talked about them, but I feel them growing and sooner or later they must be dealt with. But-I cannot-go steady with Tirian. I laugh out loud when I think of it with those words. This feels so foreign to me. I am usually the one to pick the man and lead his feelings.

But Tirian is leading me and I do not even think he knows it. Everything about him affects me. When I hear his voice my whole body responds and I acutely aware of his presence. And when he touches my arm or my hand or my back, I cannot breathe or think.

We've had many near _moments_ and a part of me wants them to happen and another part of me, the rational part, is wary of them.

Narnia is nothing like England and here people do not just "go steady"…especially a king. There are courtships;usually entered into by the man. Perhaps I shouldn't even worry about it. We are ever so slowly getting closer and closer to Narnia. I'll soon have to see my siblings and I still have no idea what to say to them. All in all, I have spent a lot of the four days in my cabin and I do believe that I am beginning to go a bit insane.

I step out onto the deck and am instantly hit by the heat that I have been trying to avoid. For the past half a week we have been blasted by a heat wave, that I have been told, Narnia has never seen the likes of. The sun is scorching us till we feel as if we are in a furnace. The poor crew has been restless having to work in these conditions and Tirian is distraught because his crew is miserable and he feels that their contentment is his responsibility. He's actually been out helping the crew maintain the ship. I, on the other hand, have not been allowed to even lift a finger plus they've given me extra water rations. I tried to refuse but that only caused a row between Tirian and me.

As I look around I can see that there is no one in sight but one lone person lying out on the prow. From where I am I am guessing that it's Tirian. He's lying face up in a shaded area with his hand over his eyes.

Silently as I can, I move towards him. Usually he knows when I am trying to sneak up on him. "It is a king thing," he says. I do believe that he picked that up from Edmund. It was one of his favourite sayings.

I sit down beside him and put my hand in the one over his eyes. He moves his hand to his side but doesn't let go. His eyes are still closed.

"I heard you," he says like he's telling me the weather.

I laugh, "I do not believe so…"

"Believe me, I heard you. I doubt you could ever steal up on your royal brothers. It's a—"

"— King thing, I know."

I lay down beside him and he adjusts his body to the addition of myself. I close my eyes and beam inwardly because my hand is still in his. Our relationship is quite odd. I do not know what we are to each other. All I know is that he is someone _very_ special. I have never had that before.

My thoughts are interrupted by an outburst from Tirian. "By the Mane! How can we survive through this heat?"

"It cannot last much longer, can it?" I try to be optimistic but I have heard that heat waves like this can last more than a week.

He sits up and finally lets go of my hand to run it through his hair in frustration.

"I do not complain for myself. Not at all. I'd suffer this heat ten times over if everyone else could just be content. But we are half a week from Terebinthia and I—" He groans and lays back down and I walk over to the railing to leave him in peace.

The wood is so smooth under my hands. I lean over and look at the water below. It's a crystalline blue that looks almost like glass. Except for the waves caused by the movement of the ship the water is still and calm.

This is perfect swimming water. I remember than when my brothers and sister and I ruled we would often swim in the sea if we got hot on board our ship. I think that's how I developed my old love for swimming. I would swim in grade school too. I was one of the best. I won the most medals ever by a female student.

Strangely, I do not remember the moment I decided not to swim anymore. Perhaps it was when I came back from America with all those tips about the dangers of chlorine to one's hair. I remember a moment, when I was there, and I asked my new friends to go take a swim with me. They almost died in shock. I was lucky enough that they showed me how unladylike that sport is. The blatant showing of skin, the reckless regard for ones appearance while looking foolish and the abnormal muscle growth in the shoulders. According to them, they do not make designer dresses for swimmers.

But I know swimming was not all bad. I used to find it quite enjoyable. The feeling of being underwater, weightless and free. I used to love the fresh, cool water on my face as I broke through the surface and the sun dried me. I loved being able to be quick in the water and to explore the water's resistance against my movements. But I am twenty-one and swimming is childish and unladylike. Although, it is hot and to be able to lie suspended in the water. It's tempting.

Silently, I go to my cabin and change into a swimming costume. I let my hair out of the braid it was in and shake it out onto my shoulders. Back on deck, I climbing over the railing. I look behind at Tirian once more and jump.

As I fall through the air towards the water I feel lighter than I have in years and plunging into the water is the most delicious feeling I have had in a long time. Staying under the water for a moment in the silence I thank Aslan for letting me come back and be my old self again. Surfacing, I notice that Tirian is standing over the railing looking quite amused.

"I had thought you'd fallen over but it would seem, you are perfectly fine."

I feign being forlorn, "No, all is not well."

"And why is that?" he asks with raised eyebrows.

"Because you are not down here with me enjoying this beauty." I lay back and float with my arms spread out and my eyes closed.

In disbelief I watch as Tirian takes of his tunic and puts it to the side. He isn't excessively muscular but he is fit. I blush and he laughs as he jumps off the railing in a perfect dive. He disappears into the sea with barely a splash.

He is still under the water and I cannot tell where he is. Suddenly, I feel two strong hands pull me under. I open my eyes underneath and see Tirian staring back at me. I reach out slowly and grab his hand. His other one goes behind my shoulders and he kicks us up above the water. As we break through the surface, I look in his eyes. They have turned to deep indigo and in that moment he kisses me. His lips are strong against mine and I fall into their sweetness. The hand holding mine squeezes it and then lets go to cup my cheek. I let my other arm wrap around his neck and the water laps around us but I barely notice it. All I know is Tirian, and then it's over.

Broken as soon as it started, I pull away and gasp. I kissed the King of Narnia. I suppose Tirian is noticing my agitation. My face must be a brilliant rouge. I have never done such a thing in my life. I do flirt, and I have kissed my beaux, but…to have such indiscretion. I am halfway to ashamed.

"Ahoy, Lookout!" he calls up to the crows nest where the lookout is slumped over in the heat. He opens his eyes and jumps to his feet. "Yes, my Liege?"

"If you could throw us a line, please."

He immediately scurries down to the deck and throws a rope over. Without looking at me, Tirian ties it to my waist in a sort of swing and motions for him to start pulling. I am hoisted out of the water and along side the ship to the deck. I untie the rope and hurry to my cabin. I change into a simple cotton dress and lie down to sleep away the day.

_**-page break**-_

I could not sleep away the day. Sleeping long enough to miss supper and still, it is all that is on my mind.

The night is hot and I am restless. I turn over in the bed and look out the window. The moon is full and it's light is shining in. The crew has been going in earlier than usual because the best relief for this heat is to sleep.

But my heat is different. It is both longing and mortification. These are two emotions that I am not used to in myself. As much as it is about to add to my mortification, I need to apologize to Tirian for my actions.

I pull myself off the bed and open the door and walk the length to his cabin. When I reach his door I stop and take a deep breath.

I knock twice and wait. His voice comes through deep and weary. "Yes?"

"Tirian …" There's a pause.

"Come in, Susan."

I open the door and go in, closing it behind me. His cabin is wide. There's a large bed to the left and a desk in the middle, like mine. On his wall is a shield with a red lion on it. My eyes move back to the bed where Tirian is lying. He looks over at me and sits up. I am in a red cotton dress with a scooped neck and my hair is wild and tangles. It is nothing special.

"Your Majesty," it's a formality I have not used in a long while. "I am sorry that I interrupted your privacy and…" My cheeks are red. I walk back towards the door. He gets up behind me and his hand closes around mine.

"What is the matter?" he asks concerned.

I look down. "I would like to apologize for my impropriety this afternoon. I do not usually act in such a way."

"I am also responsible for our rather unseemly display, but Susan, I _do_ wish to become much better _acquainted_ with you."

My heart jumps and a smile comes to my face. "I would like that."

He looks me deep in the eyes and it's as if my heart is leaping and breaking at the same time. How can so much emotion come from the gaze of one person? Slowly he holds my face in both of his hands and kisses me.

This kiss is softer and gentler. Rather than being a flurry of heat and passion, this kiss overpowers that with something else…warmth…affection. My heart is beating wildly and my blood is pounding so loudly I can hear it. This is a kiss I never want to end.

He smiles, "Susan…" his voice is soft, barely audible. I cannot help but feel that he feels for me the way I do for him, whatever that feeling happens to be.

"Does this astound you as well?" I ask.

He chuckles low, "I never imagined I would feel such a way for you."

"Are you disappointed?"

"Never." He says it with such certainty that I cannot doubt him.


	10. Whispers In the Dark

_Disclaimer: I don't own Narnia. I don't own this song :( but I own the cd! And saw them in concert last week! Epic!_

**A/N: So, this story is about to go slightly AU, but it's just to help the plot. I understand that they're in the New Narnia in Aslan's Country, which represents heaven, so there would be no bad people. However, for the sake of this chapter, let's pretend there are! Thanks!**

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_No, you'll never be alone._  
_When darkness comes  
__You know I'm never far…  
Hear my whispers in the dark…_

_- Whispers in the Dark, Skillet _

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I am sitting at the prow, facing forward towards the sea. My back is against Tirian's chest. His strong arms hold me close to him and our bodies rise in synch with our breathing. This is how we have spent the majority of our mornings for the past four days.

I try not to think of what will happen when we get to Narnia. There are many questions that cannot be answered right now.

I sigh and lean further into Tirian. The sea is so beautiful and the horizon is a glittering line, which means that Terebinthia is in sight and we will soon be there. Terebinthia is a place where you must stay aware because of their trading with Calormen. I've never particularly liked it there but it is a fantastic place to get those colourful, southern cloths. They aren't as good as Narnian but they're different and exotic and I've always loved them.

"What are you thinking about?" Tirian whispers in my ear.

"The sea…" I reply slowly, "and where it leads to…"

"And where does this sea lead to…?" I don't believe that he means me to say Narnia.

I'm thoughtful, "This sea is new to me. I've always traveled on seas that were familiar. I gave the directions of the ship and the course that would be followed. But here…this is uncharted territory to me."

He pushes it, "Where do you want it to lead?"

This I'm not quite sure of. Do I want it to lead to my family, to Tirian or to my life back in England?

"To the sunset. To the very end of the world," I answer honestly.

I assume this is a suitable answer because he says no more and he continue to sit together and gaze ahead.

Terebinthia**.** The city is as alive as I ever knew it. Whether this is good or not, it is as if I never left. As we walk through we pass tents with people selling necklaces, bangles and beautiful rings. I stop at a table where a toothless old woman in many scarves is sitting. On the table is an assortment of rings. I pick up a gold one and put in on my ring finger.

"I do not think that is for you," Tirian says from behind me.

I smirk, "And what do you suggest, your Majesty?"

He looks closely at the ring display, taking such care, and finally selects one. He holds it in his fingers and motions for me to hold out my right hand.

I give him my hand and he slips the silver ring onto my ring finger. The sun hits it and the sapphire gems glitter in the light.

"Ohhh…" I gasp, "It is stunning!"

Tirian smiles at me, "Then it is yours." He gives a few coins to the old woman, who nods her thanks at him.

I frown, "Tirian…I cannot accept this. It is so…extravagant." This is the first time I've ever refused something extravagant. The Narnia air must have strange powers over me. And perhaps over Tirian as well because he swoops down and kisses me, right there, in the middle of the bazaar. My knees tremble and I grasp his arm to steady myself. For a moment, I forget who we are and where we are.

He breaks the kiss and I am left standing there, still out of breath. "I will keep the ring. Thank you."

With a small kiss on the cheek we continue walking. We stop to look at the swords but I can't help to yawn, no offense to knights, but all they are is a cluster of metal sticks.

"Am I boring you?" Tirian asks as he runs his hands over a smooth blade in a caress.

"Not intentionally," I smirk. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a large tent filled with dresses and fabrics. Tirian's eyes follow my gaze and he laughs.

"If you would much rather look in that tent, I do not mind."

I am gone before the words are barely out of his mouth. I peruse though the dresses but see nothing I like and keep walking in case I find another dress display.

After a few minutes I realize that I've gone into the heart of the bazaar and can't see anyone from the _Phoenix Rising_.

"This is brilliant," I groan under my breath. I was never without an escort in the old times, so I have no idea where the dock is from here, where we are to meet.

I begin going back, trying to find my way through the crowds, which to seem to have doubled. A hand covers my mouth and my arms are pulled back behind me. A rough face presses against my cheek and I feel a scream rise in my throat but it will not come out.

A thousand things fly through my mind. I made it all this way just to be killed, or worse. And Tirian, my siblings, none of them even knows. Tears begin stinging my eyes but I blink them back.

I'm pulled into the shadow of a tent, where a man dressed in long black robes is waiting. He has pointy tipped shoes and a long, forked beard. His eyes glisten with hate and my heart stops. This man looks like fear itself.

"Well…"

His voice is grating and I cringe. His eyes take me in lewdly and I fear the worst of what he could be thinking.

"She's a pretty one. Fair enough, a true Narnian." He walks up to me and trails a dirty finger down m cheek and under my chin. I close my eyes and try not to breathe in the foul odor of his breath. "The Tarkaan will be pleased, quite pleased, with this one."

I had heard of such happenings in Terebinthia, but never to a noble. One would hear stories of young ladies being seized against their will and sold into slavery to Calormen. We were never in Terbinthia before without an escort. This has been a terrible slip in judgement, and I will pay dearly for it.

"Well, would you look at this?" The man who grabbed me before grasps my wrist where a few silver bracelets lie. He eyes a bangle curiously. "If this isn't the Narnian crest. It seems, Mircdosh, that we have a noble woman on our hands."

He says it so vilely and I can see greed looming behind his eyes. The one he called Mircdosh, walks around me slowly. His shoes crunch ominously on the ground and I keep my face to them, for I'm too afraid to look into those eyes.

"You, my Lady," he says in a mocking tone, "will be worth a pretty crescent."

This catches my attention, though I do not show interest, or it may me my downfall. Mircdosh continues, "We shall hold the Narnians to ransom…" I look up and he catches my eyes, "they wouldn't let you fall into harms way would they?" His voice is harsh and sarcastic.

"But-but—" the spineless coward is looking from me to Mircdosh. I stare him down in disgust because it isn't difficult to understand what his objection is.

Mircdosh rolls his eyes, "Do not worry. She…" he rubs his hand down my arm, "will be enjoyed."

I've had as much as I can take, what with them both touching me without my permission and talking about me as though I don't exist.

"I don't know how _you_ treat your noble ladies in Calormen but you have no business to treat a Narnian Queen thus." I shout in a tone that takes both of them aback. "And if you believe that either of you are going to lay a hand on me in anyway your filthy minds can think of, may a hundred Narnian swords fall on your head and you be struck dead!"

Mircdosh's face turns a brilliant crimson and, for a moment, I am pleased with myself. But when his hand comes down across my cheek, the pain sears between my eyes and I fall to the ground with a gasp and it grows dark.

My head is pounding against my forehead, I am sure that I can hear it resonating. I try to open my eyes but still all I see the darkness, thick and ominous. I sit up and feel something solid behind me. I lean against it, taking a moment to calm my breathing. I don't know where I am, but I remember those two men.

At first my heart clenches with the fear that I may be in the hull of a slave ship, but I hear nothing and the floor is earthen.

I look up and see small specks of light that are too far away to reach me, but they're there. I must be in a pit of some sort. My stomach flips and I hold my knees to my chest.

It's very lonely. I can barely see my hands in front of my face. I'm alone in the dark and no one knows where I am, save those two Calormens.

What a waste, it seems, to have come all this way just to be taken to Calormen and…I don't even want to think about my fate. I always thought being beautiful was my one blessing in life, turns out it's my curse.

At this point, I have no hope in ever seeing Tirian again, or my family for that matter. I wonder if Tirian has noticed that I've gone? I imagine that as soon as he realizes I'm gone he'll look for a few minutes and then send the crew out in a search party. But it's not as if they'll find me. Not sitting in a dark and dusty hole in the ground.

But does it all truly matter? I didn't come here to meet a man. Aslan gave me the chance to come back to reconcile with my family, and that's all. I haven't been too focused on my journey lately. Thoughts of Tirian constantly invade my mind and push my priorities aside.

I've done it again. Placing things of unimportancebefore my main concerns in life. Was this the way I had expected to return to Narnia, in the same way my siblings had left me? Mad for boys, with a new man on my arm. And what am I doing to Tirian. I can't stay here. I'm not a friend of Narnia. I'll have to leave eventually and I know it. And whether or not Tirian knows it, _I_ should be showing more consideration.

I hear, faintly, the voices of the two men above me. All that doesn't matter now. My second chance is gone.

"Oh Aslan," my voice breaks on the whisper, "please give me just one last chance…to make things right."

The voices are getting louder and I move closer against the wall of the pit. My heart is pounding with fear and I stop breathing. The grate is lifted off the opening and sunlight floods in as I squint in the new light.

"Oh Princess…" the voice of Mircdosh echoes down to me and I close my eyes and try to force back my tears. "Are you ready for your voyage?"

My eyes are over flowing and I start crying. Perhaps, the court of the Tisroc won't be so—

"In the name of Aslan! I charge you to unhand her Majesty, Queen Susan of Narnia."

"Tirian," I scream as I jump to my feet and look upwards and hope returns to me.

"Worry not, my lady, over these savage Calormenes any longer."

Mircdosh shouts in anger, "Who are you calling savage, you white barbarian boy!"

"I am Tirian, King of Narnia, Lord of Cair Paravel and I order you to-"

The unsheathing of swords cuts off his voice and I hear fighting above me. After a few minutes I hear a thud of one of the men falling and a sword comes flying down and I quickly move to the side to avoid the blade. The straight blade I notice, in disappointment, for it's Tirian's sword.

"What of you now Narnian? What of you?" Mircdosh screams.

With a shout, I hear him run and suddenly the opening is dark and there's silence, which I break with a scream as I see the body that falls to my feet.


	11. If I Never Knew You

_Disclaimer: I don't own Narnia or Disney!_

* * *

_If I never knew you I'd be safe, but half as real._  
_Never knowing I could feel a love so strong and true._  
_I'm so grateful to you. I'd have lived my whole life through_  
_Lost forever, if I never knew you  
__  
- If I Never Knew You, Pocahontas_

* * *

The smell of the blood is already sharp in the hot air. The tears are freely flowing down my face as I try to recover from the shock. I cannot bring myself to get near his body and I sink to the floor once more.

Burying my face in my hands, I try to evade the sight. The blood matted in his hair, the broken body…the eyes open, lifeless and penetrating. This is why I avoided battle in the old days. I was never one to see the violent ends of my enemies … or friends. I squeeze my eyes shut, willing away the imprinted memory that will stick with me forever. I choke out a sob.

I feel somebody jump into the hole beside me, but I do not open my eyes, cannot open my eyes. Strong arms grasp me and pull me up to standing. My eyes are still closed and the hands squeeze my shoulders. I let out a ragged gasp.

"It is alright," his voice is hoarse, "he's gone. He cannot hurt you." I feel his lips put slight pressure on my neck and I turn and wrap my arms around his neck and sob for what feels like an eternity.

Tirian's arms encircle and he holds me tighter than I would think is possible. He whispers reassuringly in my ear that I am all right and that he has me, but I am crying for more than that. I am crying for what this has lost me.

I pull away and kiss him with everything I have, in the presence of the late Mircdosh and all. He runs a hand through my hair and pushes me closer to him still. He's wiping all that's happened from my mind and it is finally calm.

He pulls away before I am ready and kisses my tear-stained, and I imagine dirt-streaked, cheeks.

"Come; let us leave this place of death and bloodshed." He turns me around and calls for someone to drop a rope, so I guess the crew have finally come. A thin rope falls down into the hole and I grasp it and climb up the side of the pit as I hear Tirian sheath his sword. The climb isn't difficult, but when I am out in the sunshine my legs start shaking and I fall into the arms of one of the men. Tirian climbs up quickly and puts his arm around my waist to steady me. I lean against him and finally take a good look at him. There's a cut above his eye that's slowly oozing blood and a nasty scratch along his cheek.

"Make way! Make way for his Majesty, the King of Narnia!" I hear Lord Locsian yell to the crowds ahead.

We begin walking back to the ship, through the still crowded bazaar, but with the escort of Tirian's men, the only body that touches me is his. I wonder briefly how he found me through this place but let it go because I have much more important things on my mind.

I look down at myself as we continue walking and notice that there's blood on the hem of my dress and a bad tear up the side. With a sigh, I decide that this will have to be discarded with when I get back to the ship, which is unfortunate because this was a rather fabulous dress.

Above us, the day is still beautiful with sunny and cloudless skies but my heart is heavier than when we left this ship this morning.

"Susan?" Tirian whispers so that only I can hear, "are you all right? Did they…" Anger flashes across his face and he cannot finish the question though I know what he meant.

"No, I am fine. They alluded to it, but they didn't harm me."

We continue to walk in silence. His arm tightens around me and I become a little self-conscious. What must the crew be thinking when they look at me? I know my story of disgrace is widely known, that I am not a friend of Narnia. To have come back and taken up with Tirian, and he the only one who knows why. I must seem like a scheming harlot trying to worm my way into the King's good graces. But they would never say anything to me, though I am sure they talk about it amongst themselves.

A seagull cries above us and the smell of salt begins to sting my nose. I turn my head up and look at Tirian, "How did you know where I was?"

He looks down at me and frowns, "When I looked toward the booth with the gowns, you were gone. I looked but did not see you and began asking the merchants but no one would speak until I offered crescents for information. A young boy, about ten, told me about the slave traders and showed me the way. I gave him extra if he would go to the _Phoenix Rising_ and alert the crew to my need for their assistance."

"And if you hadn't found me…"

"I'd have searched between here and Calormen till I found you, Susan. By the Mane, I would have."

His oath is firm and to have a declaration from such a man would be choice to most women. But I can never be, will never be, most women. I have caused Tirian to care for me more than he should. It is not fair to him…and as much as I hate to admit it, or Jill who I imagine has feelings for him which are reciprocated, if I cause him to have feelings for me, while my time here is fleeting.

But I have him here now, in my possession. So I lift my face to his and kiss him politely on the cheek.

I would rather more, and I imagine he would too but I must check myself in front of the crew.

"I thank you," is all I reply but I mean so much more than he knows.

_**-page break**-_

"Susan?" Tirian asks as he steps behind me and puts a hand on my shoulder. We are staring at the railing, watching the sunset. Every day the sun rises and every day the sun sets. It is strange how nothing will ever change that. A new day will always come even if something seems to blacken tomorrow.

"Yes?"

"I am concerned about you. You have seemed altered ever since Terebinthia."

"Have I?" my laugh is phony, "Perhaps the sea air closer to Narnia is affecting me."

I turn to walk to my cabin, for I have spent the better part of the past three days. I hate that I am doing it, but I am avoiding Tirian. My head and my focus are better when I cannot seem him.

He catches my hand and spins me to face him. His blue eyes are dark under the blonde fringe of his hair and his expression is rigid, but I can see an ounce of hurt behind it. I look down guiltily and he knows.

"You've been avoiding me." It is not a question. It is a statement. And he has taken on Peter's King tone. It is the same one that flared anger inside me, which usually led to a row.

"I have not." My face turns expressionless

"Do not lie to me, Susan." His eyes and words are hard and I just about lose my entire resolve.

I jerk my arm away from his hand and begin walking to my cabin. He follows me inside and closes the door. He stands tall with his arms folded across his chest.

"What is the matter?"

"I am leaving, Tirian. When we dock in Galma tomorrow, I am going to leave."

Tirian's face is taken aback, "Why? What is suddenly so offensive to you aboard the ship?"

I look down, "There is no _thing_ offensive to me."

"Is it me then? Is your trouble with me?" he asks sharply. I say nothing.

"I'll take your silence as a yes. Whatsoever your problem is with me, is it enough for you to give up reconciliation with your family?"

My head snaps up. "How dare you! I am doing this for my family!"

"Enlighten me."

For a moment, I am stunned. He is the very image of Peter the day of the accident that I need a minute to recollect myself. But when I do, I am feeling the same anger I felt towards him then.

"This, us, this infatuation between us is the problem. Aslan sent me back for my family. Not so I could fall…" I am flustered and feel myself flush red, and I attempt to untangle my words, "…not to get distracted by a man."

I see the hurt flash across his face again before it is hidden. As much as it hurts him and me, this is all necessary and someday he'll realize it too.

"That time in the pit, not knowing if I was going to live or die. Wondering if I was ever going to see you or my family again, and asking myself which one was more important to me, has made me realize that my family has to be the more important one."

He says nothing. His eyes betray nothing. His face is void of emotion. "_My_ feelings then, mean nothing to you?"

"Tirian…" I walk towards him and grasp his hands, "if you feel anything at all for me it is only because you have been away from Narnia, from Jill, for so long and I am the only woman aboard ship. When I go back, you'll forget all about me."

Astonishment replaces the emptiness on his face, "I know you care for her, more than you care for me. I am just in interruption. I do not belong here."

"Do what you see fit, my Lady." He says giving his resigned approval.

"Thank you." I kiss him gently on his lips and he kisses me back, and it is the saddest kiss I have ever had. It breaks my heart. "For everything."

He nods and leaves without another word and I look out the porthole as the sun slips below the horizon.

**_-page break-_**

The next morning is sunny and beautiful, like most of the days have been. But this is one morning I do not smile to. We've docked at Galma. I hear the ramp being placed down and footsteps retreating to shore. Hoping that it is clear, I open the door and make my way to the gangplank. Tirian is standing there and I look down.

"My Lady?" He offers his arm and I accept it. "Your Majesty."

We walk down. Galma seems more peaceful than Terebinthia, thankfully, and there is only a small crowd at the dock to welcome the Narnian guests.

"Make way for his Majesty, King Tirian of Narnia, Duke of Galma!"

We pause at the bottom. I draw back my arm and look down, for I cannot meet his eyes. "Your Majesty, I—"

Tirian shakes his head and pulls me to him. He rests his cheek against my forehead and sighs, "I understand, Susan."

He kisses my forehead chastely and cups my cheek with his hand. "Lionspeed to Narnia, my Lady."

I nod and he turns away and proceeds behind Lord Locsian. I realize, as I watch the Narnians walk away, that I am without food, money or any provisions whatsoever. I look down at myself in the scarlet dress with sleeves off my shoulders and a black sash that cinches my waist and the gold shoes that are on my feet. I know what I must do. This is truly a wretched business.

I walk towards the marketplace and find an old dressmaker. I trade my dress and shoes for a cheaper clothing and money enough to buy a meal. I do so and head back to the docks. The sound of the waves lapping against the wooden deck lulls me into a trance and I walk about, regretfully thinking of Tirian. As I shake myself out I spot a fishing vessel flying Narnian flags.

"Pardon me!" I call up to one of the men on the deck. He is cleaning his nets and turns towards me. His face is kind, slightly weather-beaten, but his smile in welcoming.

"How may I help you, miss?"

"I was wondering, nay, I mean to ask you if I can get passage with you to Narnia. I have but a few coins and I would be most appreciative if you could find it—"

He held up his hand and shook his head, "Say no more. By the looks of you, you are Narnian. We'd happy to aid you."

A smile comes to my face as he helps me aboard, "Thank you very much. I appreciate it."

"My pleasure, Miss. The name's John."

I shake his hand. "I am Susan."

"Ah, named after Queen Susan the Gentle, I wager?"

I smirk, "You could say that."

_**-page break-**_

As the boat pulls away, I stand at the rail and watch the Narnians making their way through the marketplace. The sun shines off Tirian's crown and brightens his golden head. From all the way on the sea, I imagine that I can hear the tenor sound of his voice. Tears come to my eyes and I turn away and sit on a crate at the bow of the ship. I rest my head on my cheek and watch the people moving around.

I miss Tirian more than I had thought I would. Normally, we would be watching this sunset together, his arms tightly around me. My head would be against his chest and I'd be able to hear his heart beat. Tears flow and I wipe at them frantically so no one will notice. But John does notice and he comes and sits with me.

"Are you alright?"

I nod my head, "I just had to make a difficult decision…"

"Well, when one door closes, somewhere a window opens…." I smile at him and he walks off to go work. Hopefully this window stays open.

**_-page break-_**

I couldn't let John give up his bunk for me. I told him I would much rather sleep on the deck in the open night, and it is true. With a sky so clear, I can make out many of the Narnian constellations. I can easily pick out the familiar ones like, Rumnus, the first faun and The Sleepy Giant but Tirian has showed me new ones, like Cupid.

Those little stars mock me. Each shimmering light is a reminder that I am alone in this world and I'll be back in my world soon, and just as alone. I always thought that having friends meant that I'd never be alone, but I suppose it was naïve of me to think that friends could replace my family. Funny, I didn't realize how much they meant to me until they were gone.

And against my better judgement, which has always been lacking anyways, I fear that I feel the same way about Tirian. I shouldn't though, because I am not supposed to love him. Then again, I thought I wasn't supposed to be able to have a conversation with a beaver either and I ended up sorely mistaken.

I have never been in love before. Of course, I had said I was in love with practically every man I was courted by…and some I didn't even know, but I know now that wasn't love. The line between infatuation and love is fine, so fine that it is quite easy to convince someone it is one thing when it is really another.

I fancy I am in love with Tirian. If I even know what being in love means. But if being in love means that my heart starts pounding when I hear his voice, that I am excited when I feel him near and that I never want to be parted from him, means that I am in love, well, congratulations to me and hand me a blue ribbon.

But I did willingly part myself from him, and I told him that all that was between us was infatuation. If I were really in love, could I lie to him so well? And _if_ I do love him, I figure that it would only be infatuation on his part, because I know he and Jill are…something. And if that's the case, then it is better off this way. Just like I told him.

And if I have to put myself through this much mental turmoil of whether or not I am in love, then I must not be, because I should know if I am in love. And there, it is settled. I am not in love with Tirian.

* * *

**A/N: I apologize for the page breaks, but it was the only thing that would work.**


	12. You're The One

__

Disclaimer: I own Narnia not!

* * *

_And I keep looking down as I move in closer._  
_My heart is racing now with fear and wonder._  
_Could I come back to You, so long on my own?_  
_From where I am, I know this is not my home…_

___-You'r_e the One, Chris Tomlin

* * *

I can see the sunlight from behind my eyelids. It's such a strange feeling. To wake up with your eyes closed. I finally do open my eyes and sit up. I feel disgusting, like one feels after sleeping in ones clothes for too long a period of time. The sun is very bright and already higher than I would have imagined. It's probably noon. I suppose John told the crew to let me rest late.

There are seagulls flying over my head, and if I remember anything from the past, it's that seagulls mean land. I scramble to the railing and look over. Nostalgia rushes over me and all the memories of the past come back. Every single one.

Where the sea meets land I can see small coves, where children are swimming and playing. I smile as their laughter reaches me from across the bay and remember how from the terrace of my bedroom I could hear them as well. As I look up the tall trees of the forest, I can see a tower of Cair Paravel. If I am not mistaken, and I doubt that I am, it's the eastern tower, which means that the window two stories below would be my bedroom. Well, would have been my bedroom.

The boat turns away from the island and begins moving into shallower water. I can hear music and merriment coming from the shore. This isn't how I expected it to be. I thought I'd be making a grand entrance and all my siblings would be happy to see me, but if Tirian and Jill are any indicator, relationships, their lives, have already been established here. They do not need me. I wouldn't even be surprised if Peter gave me one look and turned me away.

We rock unsteadily as the boat hits the dock and, with splashes, the men jump down and anchor us to it. The plank is lowered and John comes to me.

"Miss Susan?" he says offering his arm. I take his arm and he leads me down. The first step onto Narnia earth is overwhelming. There's energy and magic and I feel like I could faint and run for miles at the same time.

"Amazing," I breathe as I look around at the familiar business that I remember. Tirian has told me so much here has changed, yet it's as if I never left.

"Where are you headed, Miss?

"Cair Paravel," I say uneasily. That is where I want to go isn't it? That was the plan all along.

"I was just on my way over there matter of fact," laughs John, "to deliver the fish for the banquet tomorrow for the return of King Tirian from the east. Would you like a ride in the cart?"

I flush red and nod. With help up, I am seated beside him and we begin the journey towards whatever lies at the end.

We do not speak the entire ride. The smell of fresh fish is wafting around us and I'd expect to be nauseated but here, it's familiar and, dare I say, calming. As we reach the top of a hill I can see the white walls of Cair Paravel from behind the brick wall that surrounds it. It's so large and ominous, and even more so it the thought is that behind those walls is my family, whom I had taken for dead.

Suddenly, I am afraid to face them. It will be humiliating to show that I was wrong and they were always right. I can't imagine the feeling when I see Lucy and remember the horrible things I said to her, how I tried so hard to end her dreams of a place that truly did exist.

"John, please stop the cart." I say breathlessly. He stops and looks over at me.

"Are you alright? You look deathly pale…"

"I am fine, really. Perhaps walking the rest of the way will do me better." I climb down and look up at his kind face with the bright, red cheeks. "Thank you so much for everything, John. I appreciate it."

"I hope to see you again, young Susan," he says and rides towards the palace. Now, I am left at the top of the hill. Cair Paravel is in front of me and the forest is behind me and I am forced to make a decisions. And this one is similar to the others. I run.

As fast as I can I am running into the forest, past the trees, which are now nothing more that green blurs beside me. I run till I cannot breathe and finally stop; bent over wheezing. I sit against a tree and look around me.

Well, I have sure done it now. I made it all the way to Narnia from the Lone Islands, ruined everything with Tirian and now when I am supposed to do what I have come to do—

"I fail," I whisper to myself. A slight breeze rustles through the leaves and some branches come down and brush my face. It feels like one of Mum's hugs when I was younger and would go to her crying over Peter taunts or some boy I fancied. I never thought about how much I depended on that.

"Thank you." I remember that trees here have spirits.

I do not know what to do now. I am completely lost, and have nowhere to go. I cannot go to England, because I do not know how. I cannot go to Cair Paravel, because I cannot face them. I am completely trapped. I close my eyes and rest my head in my hands. Warm air flows over me and my heart feels lighter. Before I even open my eyes, I anticipate what I will see and when I do, before me is Aslan. I know it isn't just any lion, because I know Aslan. Even if I'd stopped believing, even if I didn't care a bit for Narnia, I know Aslan when I see him.

Aslan's presence is like all good things in the world in front of me. There's joy and peace and I can barely feel the worry inside me. A perfume comes off him that's unlike any scent in any world I have been in. It smells of light and laughter and of the stars and the sky. I reach for his mane and bury my face in it.

"Oh, Aslan," I cry. His paw gently pats my back and I hear his voice rumble from deep inside him.

"Why are you crying, dear one?" I know that Aslan knows perfectly well why I am crying, but wants me to know why I am crying.

"Because I let you down again. I have let everyone down. I cannot be who I am supposed to be. I am not good enough."

Aslan pulls away and I sit back down, staring into his face and basking in the golden warmth of it.

"Susan, you are in Narnia for a reason. I placed you here now for a purpose. Do you know who you are?"

"I am Susan Pevensie, the one who always falls short."

Aslan growled, "Failures do not rule Narnia."

That's why I am no longer a Queen. I hear Aslan rumbling louder and it shakes the ground.

"You are a defender of Narnia. You are the sister of the High King; you are his confidante and his source of ease when his mind is heavy. You are sister of Edmund, and understand him like no other person in your family. You can converse with him without words and you comfort him in a way no one else can. And you are the sister of Lucy. You are her role model and an example of what she wants to be. You are her confider and her friend."

I look down, "That was me in another time."

"Who you once were, you can be again."

"How?"

"By believing in who you once were…"

"I am trying, Aslan, I truly am."

He licks my face, "It will come in time, dear heart."

I want to say something, but I am not sure I want to hear the answer and so I divided whether to ask or not.

"Speak, Susan."

"Will the others, will they accept me back?"

"I cannot tell you what could be; only you can decide that." I suppose that is better than hearing no. "Will you come with me, Aslan?"

"Of course. It might give the others a fright to see you if I did not." I laugh lightly as I stand, imagining the others' faces. It takes away the fear.

We begin walking through the forest towards Cair Paravel. "Aslan, this is Narnia within Narnia, and everything is still as it is?"

"Yes, only more real."

I think of Tirian, "Yes, everything does seem more than real."

Aslan turns his head towards me and speaks, "Most things in this world Susan that seem real are truly real."

I say nothing as we reach the gates of Cair Paravel. We enter and I feel my heart begin to race.

"Strength, dear one, like a lioness."

With a deep breath we walk past all the kneeling guards to the throne room. I look up at the marble pillars and remember how late at night we would all play hide and seek in here. Before being royal became important.

I look up at the four thrones of Cair Paravel, where we were prophesied to sit, and mine empty between Peter and Lucy. I barely get a glimpse of them before they are on their knees before Aslan and I doubt that have realized that I am here.

"Arise, Kings and Queen of Narnia."

They stand and our eyes lock on each other. I fancy that right now I have forgotten how to breathe completely. I feel like I am made out of stone and I want to look anywhere but their faces and I cannot.

"Su?" Lucy asks confusedly. Her eyes are squinting and she tilts her head to the side in that way she has when she's thinking hard. Oh, how I have missed that look. How I have missed her! She seems so much older than she did in England. Here she stands before me, tall, though not as tall as me, grown up in a silver satin dress and her crown on her head. Her chestnut hair is long and wavy over her shoulder and there's an air to her of maturity, but past that, for anyone who knows her well enough to see, there's a flight of fancy ready to spring in her eyes.

Edmund is looking at me as well. His face betrays no emotion. It is positively Edmund! His gray eyes are penetrating and I, who know him so well, can see the dozens of questions that lie beneath.

Finally, I go to the last gaze I am hesitant to meet. I meet Peter's eyes and in their greenness I can see everything that he's thinking and feeling. The most dominant is shock but I can feel that in everyone's. In him there is disdain, hurt, wonder and deep down, very deep, affection.

"Hello, you all. I…" Words are failing me. There are a million things I want to say; yet I cannot say even a single one.

"What are you doing here?" Peter asks. His voice is hard, but not angry. It's that same King tone.

"I…I have come to make things right. After that night, when you all…in the train…I realized how, well, not a first, but I…I have not been the sister I should have." I look at Aslan and he nods for me to continue.

"I was wrong. I suppose that is obvious now, that we are all here in Narnia but…all that I have said and not said. How I scorned you and held you all in contempt for believing what I thought to be fairytales, I apologize most sincerely. It has been…tearing me up inside, knowing that I had lost you all without realizing how much I appreciated your company, how much I loved you. I failed you all and I want to tell you that I am sorry and want to make all this right."

My eyes begin tearing up and I cannot stop them from falling. I do not remember the last time I have cried so much since before coming back to Narnia. I expect that means that I am more human here than in the other place. England.

"I do not expect you to just welcome me back with open arms. Lord knows I definitely do not deserve it. But I have come all this way just to see you all again. I would like to hope it hasn't all been in vain."

When I have nothing more to say, I look up at Lucy and see the tears streaming down her face as well but through them she's smiling her Lucy smile. Big and bright that lights up my life and I smile back and giggle. "I have missed you Lu. It was wrong of me to ever try and change you to be someone you aren't. You are perfect the way you are."

"Oh, Su!" she laughs, "You do not know how happy I am." She runs and hugs me and I cry harder because a while ago I thought I would never see her again. We laugh, we cry and we apologize in sobs. She's my sister and my best friend once again.

Letting go of her I turn to Edmund, "Thank you. For never giving up on me, even when I made it easy. I am sorry for all I said and any pain it caused you."

Edmund still says nothing but his eyes betray him and he gathers me in his arms and holds me close and we do not need to say anything because we know what we're both thinking and he lets go and he looks at me and nods.

Peter is standing off to the side, with his arms folded over his brown leather tunic. With his crown on his head and his sword to his side, he makes quite the daunting figure. I knew it wouldn't be easy with him. He, the same one who said I was no longer his sister. I look to Aslan for help and Aslan turns to Peter.

"Peter, walk with me in the courtyard." Peter doesn't look back and follows Aslan outside and the rest of us are left standing in the throne room. We do not say anything, but just look at each other until we're interrupted by shouts.

"Did you all see? Did you? Aslan is here! In the courtyard with Peter! Pole and I—" Eustace stops suddenly as he enters the throne room in a blue tunic and brown legging and boots. Jill enters behind him and stops as well in a pink sleeveless dress and her blonde hair wild behind her.

"By the Lion," Eustace breathes as he looks on at me. His face is flushed as is Jill's, but from her expression I take it to be from something more than running.

"Why, Susan! How…why?" Eustace is speechless and looks from me towards Edmund and Lucy.

"She's come back!" Lucy cries clapping her hands, "She believes again and has come to make everything right!"

Eustace looks at Lucy and back to me. He walks over and holds out his hand, which I shake. "Nice to have you back, Su."

"But you aren't a Friend of Narnia, His Majesty, the High King said so! How did you come here?" Jill quips.

Trying to keep my cool I am about to answer her when I look at the doorway, "Aslan."

He motions for me to come and I step around Jill, in my brown peasant dress and all, and proceed to follow him into a grove of cherry trees in the courtyard that have just begun to blossom. Aslan then leaves to go back into the castle and I am left standing alone with Peter. His back is turned to me and his hand is clenched over a tree branch.

"Peter, I—"

"Let me speak first, Susan." I stop and wait for him to continue.

"You have caused a lot of pain and suffering over the years. It has been a real challenge to put up with you and everything that I have said to you, I have meant _when_ I said it."

I flinch at how his words cut but say nothing as he continues.

"But I was wrong too, just as you were and though I meant the things I said, it was wrong if me to feel that way. I was thinking unworthily of a High King and as a brother. How wrong it was of me, to disown my own sister, a Queen. We've all fallen short, Susan, but Aslan…" I step towards him and put a hand on his shoulder. His hand moves to cover my own.

"I am sorry Susan, I truly am. For the hurt I caused you, my younger sister, who in our past has been my friend and aid. I haven't showed you how much I appreciate you as my sister. And though it may have seemed that you came second to Lucy, know that you are very dear to me. More than you know and that when I said what I said, about you not being my sister, I felt like I had lost my best friend. I felt like I had lost a part of myself."

Again, these faithful tears come as I reach to hug Peter. He holds me close, his head on mine. "I love you, Susan."

"I love you too, Peter. I am sorry, so sorry for everything. Please, forgive me?"

Peter pulls away and kisses me on my forehead, "You have my forgiveness, sister." He lifts his hand and motions it as if beckoning and I look back to see Lucy, Edmund, Eustace and Jill walking towards us. Lucy and Edmund join our hug and I am amazed at how right everything feels, how content I am. To be back where I belong.

"My royal brother and sister," he says to Lucy and Edmund, "I believe that there are some others that should be included in this joyous reunion."

Something flashes in Lucy's eyes, "Oh, yes, definitely! Let's go now."

I look at my siblings, "Go where?"

Edmund smiles, "You'll see."

They lead me out of the courtyard and beyond the gates into the forest from where I came. We headed down the hill and deeper still until we reached a small cottage. "Who lives here?"

Peter grins, "Knock and find out, Susan." They are standing a bit away so I approach the door and knock tentatively.

To my utter surprise it opens and there standing in an apron is Mum. Her eyes widen in surprise and she drops the dishtowel that was in her hands.

"Susan! Oh, my darling girl!" She reaches out to hug me and I sob on her shoulder, delighted to be able to feel my mother's arms around me again and the comfort that only being with my mother can give.

"But…how…?" she asks in disbelief. I laugh, "It's a long story, I'll explain later…is Father here as well?"

I see my Father approaching from inside and I ran in and throw my self into my father's arms, "Oh, Father! How good it is to see you!"

His arms tighten around me and I can hear him call me my pet name over and over, "Oh, my little Susie." I feel other bodies join us and look up to see Mum, Peter, Edmund and Lucy coming together with us. This is something that I thought I had lost forever and never imagined I could ever get back.

Peter smiles at me, "Welcome home, Susan."

* * *

**A/N: I was torn between making this a cliff hanger but I decided not to! This chapter is so special to me and I'd really like your ideas on it! Was everything believable with Aslan and her siblings? Read and Review! The next chapter will come sooner than this!**


	13. My Never

_I had a dream that you were with me, it wasn't my fault.  
You rolled me over, flipped me over, like a somersault.  
__That doesn't happen to me. I have never been here before._  
_I saw forever in my never…_

_-My Never, Blue October_

_

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_

"Oh, Susan, I am so glad that you are back!" Lucy says as we begin walking back through the forest towards Cair Paravel. My arm is around her shoulder, and hers around mine and I still cannot believe that I am here, in Narnia, walking with my sister. It's still too much to take in.

"So am I, Lu," I smile. There are birds whistling in the trees above us. I sigh, "How I have missed this. And it's quite fascinating. An England within England just as there's a Narnia within Narnia."

Edmund turns to me, "Yes, we were all quite surprised by the idea of it. You seem to understand it well, though."

"Well, Tirian explained the Narnia bit to me already."

"Tirian?" asked Peter surprised. Lucy stops and stares at me, "You met Tirian? Where?"

I hadn't wanted to bring this up. The aim was to forget about Tirian as much as I could. Which is quite difficult, to be honest, in the country where he is a King.

"I did, in Avra." It is all I say but from the looks that I am getting, they know there is more and they are not going to stop pressing me till I have divulged all. "This is a long story…"

"We are quite a ways away yet from Cair. We have time," says Peter.

I sigh. I will give the condensed version of my story, minus the little affair with Tirian. We continue walking as I talk.

"Aslan came to me in a dream, the day of your…funeral, in England. He told me that there were rings in Peter's pockets and he explained how they worked and that I would see you all if I used them. So, I did and I wound up in the Wood Between the Worlds…"

"Oh! You went to the Wood?" Lucy gasped, "How fortunate you are."

"Trust me, Lucy. I hardly felt lucky when I learned that my entire family was killed in a train accident."

Lucy checked herself, "Oh, how awful that must have been, Su. I cannot even imagine but I apologize, continue."

"A shadow, I believe it was Aslan's, led me to a pool and I jumped in and I was in this empty world and…" I am ready to share this with them, "I saw a world created. A real world made right before my eyes. With a new sun and a new moon, and animals. It was then that I truly believed, that I knew that Narnia was real and that I could find you all. I was sent back to the Wood and jumped in another pool and landed on Avra, where I met Tirian on his way back to Narnia and he offered me passage."

"Yet, you arrived without him?" Peter questions. I say nothing and continue walking. Peter puts a hand on my shoulder and turns me around. "Did something happen?"

If he knew how much had happen. "I was kidnapped by slave traders in Terebinthia." He opens his mouth and I can just imagine what he's going to say next so I put my hand up to stop him, "But it's over now Peter. They are dead. Tirian saved me."

"Thank Aslan, or I would…" he trails off and Lucy looks at me concerned.

"But what happened? Why did you not come back on the Phoenix Rising?"

"While I was sitting in that dirt hole, thinking that I was going to be sold into slavery in Calormen, it gave me some time to reevaluate my priorities. And I decided that you all should be my priority and that I could not let myself be distracted."

"Distracted?" Lucy looks confused. Edmund looks over at me and gives me a knowing look. His ability to read people is so uncanny, that if I was not used to it I might find it more unsettling.

"You fell in love with him," He says simply. A fierce blush creeps up my neck. This is exactly what I do not need. I do not need them thinking that I am the same old Susan who falls for the first man I meet. Now matter how charming, or understanding, or handsome he is.

"Susan," Peter says in a tone that I take as a warning. He is thinking precisely what I do not want him to be.

"Do not worry, Peter. That was the old me. If I were still the same, I would not be here right now."

"But Susan! If you truly love him, then you should…"

"Never mind, Lucy." Mine tone is sharper than I would like. "Sorry. But it was all nothing, so let's not talk about things that are impossible. Besides, it'll be dark soon and I would rather like to get out of this peasant clothing. It scratches something awful and really, it is hideous."

Behind me Edmund chuckles and I hear Peter whisper to him, "I suppose there are some things you just cannot change about Susan."

Edmund replies, "And would you really want to?"

_-page break-_

"That dress really becomes you, Susan," Lucy says as we sit in my old apartments and I try on a gown that has been brought up for me. It's blue with black spiral accents on the skirt and I have matching black shoes. My hair is clean, thank Aslan, and French braided down my back. It is truly amazing what a bath, a good night's sleep and a new gown can do for one's mood.

"It does, doesn't it?" I smile, as I turn some more. Lucy laughs and I know that she's thinking I have changed; yet I am still myself. I stop and find myself thinking the same thing sometimes.

We leave my room and I decide to go to the library to see how it's changed since I have been here. It doesn't seem as strange as I had imagined, to be walking the halls of Cair Paravel dressed to the nines, as if I were a queen again. The heels of my shoes click on the marble floor and it's a sound a familiar as my own breathing. I look at the walls and the new tapestries on them, depicting Narnian history. There's a green snake and a man holding a sword above its head. It seems like some story, I must remember to ask Lucy about it.

As we enter, I see Jill seating by the window with a book in her lap. She looks up and smiles at Lucy, a smile that leaves her face when she sees me. We nod cordially at each other.

"What are you reading, Jill?" Lucy asks.

Jill looks at me pointedly. "A history of Archenland. I am currently reading about the years of your reign. The story of King Cor and Queen Aravis, though I have heard it many times before. You had quite a bit to do with that war." She's looking directly at me. That war is still a sore spot with me. It was foolish of me to even consider Rabadash and the fact that even one Narnian life was lost hurts me.

"Well, that's all in the past," I say walking to a shelf and taking down a recent history of Narnia, to help me catch up.

We all sit in the warm library and read our respective books and after awhile I do not even notice the fact that Jill's in the room. There is so much that I have missed. Like Caspian's trip to the East, and him finding his wife, with Star's blood! I got to speak to him last night. He's so changed, yet he's not and his wife is absolutely breathtaking and very kind as well. I did not get to meet his son, Rillian, although he said Rillian's story was quite fantastic and it would be better to hear it from him. A lot of Narnians are away, enjoying this new Narnia, but they will be back tonight for the feast.

And like fate, a trumpet sounds and takes the three of us by surprise. Lucy sits up from where she was lying with her book and grins.

"A Narnian King has returned," she smiles.

"Tirian's back." It's but a breath on Jill's tongue but it's enough to make my heart tighten. She immediately gets up and runs out the door and Lucy is pulling me up and dragging me behind her.

"Come on!" she laughs as we run through the castle. I reluctantly follow behind her. I both want to run away from Tirian and towards him and I do not know how to explain how I feel to Lucy, especially with Jill nearby. But before I have time to really even consider what I could possibly say to Tirian, we are out the eastern gate by the dock where a crowd has gathered.

I want to stay behind but Lucy grabs my arm and pulls me forward through the crowd, who splits to let her through. There are no words to describe the level of self-consciousness that I am currently feeling.

Any question to how I feel about him is answered when I see Tirian walking down the gangway. His hair is shining in the morning sun and it glitters of the gems in his crown. His fringe is handsomely in his eyes and he smiles and waves to all like the true king he is. He's wearing a brown leather jerkin with a red tunic underneath with matching leggings and boots and his hand is resting on the hilt of his sword. He is the image of magnificence. And soon I see Jill, her blonde hair flying in the wind, her blue dress hitched up around her knees. She's flying through the crowd and straight into Tirian's arms. He wraps his arms around her tightly and rests his chin on her head.

I can barely look at them; it seems so intimate, so affectionate. It's as if the blood in my veins turns to ice. It's like my whole world has fallen in that moment, in that one embrace.

He releases her and I try to look away quickly but he catches my eye and comes toward Lucy and me. She curtsies and then gives Tirian a hug.

"It's wonderful to have you back," she says, "Was your trip adventurous?"

He distinctly looks at me over her shoulder, "It had its moments."

I look down and try to force down the flush in my cheeks. It's ridiculous how much I have to do that now. What happened to the old Susan who could tame men with her pinky finger? She's become an infatuated fool. Nevertheless, I step up to Tirian and curtsy politely to his bow.

"Your Majesty," I say.

"Lady Susan," he nods, "I trust your trip to Narnia was smooth and that you were successful in doing what you needed to."

"It was a fine trip and I was successful, thank you." He steps forward and gives me a hug, which I return. I am surprised by how much I missed feeling the strength of his arms and the safety in his hold. But, as soon as we let go, Jill is at his side.

"Tirian, walk with me. Our hawks have grown so much while you've been away. You must see them and tell me if they'll be ready for this season."

Tirian smiles at me and with a quick bow walks away with Jill. Immediately, Lucy is at my side and takes my arm.

"Are you alright?" she asks looking at me skeptically. I nod and we walk back towards Cair Paravel.

"How long have they been…" I find myself breaking off from the question I want answered so much yet dread hearing.

"They aren't anything official, or courting, if that's what you mean. From what she's told me, they became quite close in the days before the end of Narnia and afterwards they became closer still. This is understandable. When you go through something like that with a person, you understand each other's feelings more than someone who did not share the experience."

When did my sister become so deep, and knowledgeable of people's feelings and actions? I am surprised but cannot help but be proud of her. And what she says make sense to me, more than she knows. Because of those weeks I spent with Tirian…the talks that I had, the time in the hole, no one knows more than him what coming back to Narnia meant to me.

_-page break-_

Peter lifts his glass and calls us all to attention, "I would like to raise a toast, to Aslan for bringing my sister back to us and to King Tirian on a safe journey back."

With a round of "cheers" and "hear, hears" We are settled for a picnic on the banks of the Great River. It's the seven with the addition of Tirian and me. Although, it is slightly awkward to be with the group who I shunned so, with the exception of Jill, they do not seem to hold it over me and are quick to forgive. I take a sip from my goblet of spiced wine and enjoy the fact that I am here.

"My King Tirian," says Professor Kirk, or how they call him here, the Lord Digory, "Would you care to regale us with the story of your journey east."

"The journey east, in itself, was quite uneventful. The sea was calm and all was peaceful as we stopped and did the necessary duties. I sailed into the utter east and. for the first time, had the pleasure of sampling its famous waters. We stopped on Ramandu's Island and feasted and then we journeyed to Doorn, where I met with the Duke for the second time on the journey, for leisure, and then to Avra, where I had the pleasure of meeting the Lady Susan."

I cannot help but laugh, "You use the word pleasure to liberally, Sire. For, I remember being stubborn and a tad discourteous."

"Susan has always been the persistent one," laughs Lord Diggory, "Even in her youth when the four stayed with us during the air raids. Always trying to be logical and finding a reason for everything."

Peter speaks up, "I would like to hear of your fight with the Calormenes."

Everyone gives their own agreement and I reach for my goblet and take a few more sips of spiced wine. It is not that what has happened that is still bothering me or haunting my dreams, but that it was a very trying time for both us, and I do not know how much Tirian will reveal.

"We were at the bazaar in Terebinthia and Susan had wandered off looking at gowns while I was surveying the swords," at this we all have a laugh at my expense, "And when I turned around again I could not see where she had gone, so I paid a child to tell me if he had seen her and he told me where and I attacked the villains and killed both and jumped into the hole where Susan was."

There is a little bit of silence. "My, you two have been through a lot together," Lucy says knowingly at me. I suddenly feel very uncomfortable like the circle is too tight. It feels like everyone can see what is there or not there between us.

"Excuse me," I choke out as I stand up and walk quickly to the apple grove by the wall surrounding the castle. I lean my hand against it, and try to catch my breath. I had not thought that it would be this difficult to be near Tirian. I have made a great mess of things.

"Are you alright?" It is Tirian's voice behind me. I turn around to look at him and his face is the utter picture of concern.

"I am fine," I say and I can tell he doesn't believe me. He comes over and puts his hands on my shoulders and I take in a sharp breath. He tilts my chin so I am looking up into his face and his eyes are boring into mine and I know he sees what is troubling me. His finger traces my cheek and I close my eyes and I do not remember Jill, or the others in the meadow. There is only Tirian and me, just like at sea. I open my eyes and his blue ones are looking at me still and his blond hair is carelessly swept over his forehead and his crown glitters in the sun.

"Susan," he breathes and then his lips are on mine and our arms are around each other and I do not know why I am kissing him, because I told myself that what we had was infatuation because Jill was not there and I was all he had. But now he has Jill and I would hate to be cast as the woman, who came and ruined whatever relationship they might have, by everyone here who has already accepted it. I break away, pushing hard on his chest.

He steps back and is breathing hard, as am I. His face is hurt but there is also anger there and I fear a row between us.

"What, Susan? What is wrong?" he asks frustrated taking off the crown and running a hand through his hair.

"Us, we are wrong. We cannot be doing this! Someone will get hurt!"

"Susan," he says calmly, "We are already hurt."

I blink for a moment. Are we really already hurt? It's not as if we are in love and bound to each other. I, of all people know, how easy it is to get over someone. But the last thing I would want to do is hurt Tirian. In the end, he will see this was for the best.

"I do not just mean us, I mean…" I stop when I hear rustling from behind Tirian. I look up and there is Jill walking towards us and I am not sure what she has seen or how much she has heard. From the look on my face, I wager, Tirian looks behind him.

"Jill…" he begins but she waves him off, "Would you mind if I spoke to Susan, alone?"

Tirian looks surprised, but bows to me and to Jill and walks off to where the others were.

I cross my arms in front of my chest and meet her eyes. "Yes?"

"Susan. I do not know what has happened on your journey here, but life is readily established in a good way and I'd prefer it to stay that way." She glances at Tirian's retreating form and I understand what she is meaning to alert me to.

"I do not believe this is any of your business, Jill," I reply with a blossoming blush.

"In a way, it is. The two of us have been through so much hurt together. I felt his heartbreak watching his castle, his subjects and his kingdom turned over to those brutes. That changes a person and we changed together. You couldn't understand."

I stare at her and simply say, "I understand him better than you think I do."

With that I walk away leaving her in the apple orchard. I do not feel like going back to the picnic, what with what just happened with Jill. Hopefully no one will notice too much. I have only been here a day. I do not want people regretting me coming already. For however long I am going to be here, it's not going to be easy.

__


	14. Made To Love

_Disclaimer: I don't own Narnia or this song, but I love them tons!_

****

A/N: The second last chapter! And my favourite! I hope you love it too! Happy Reading!

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_**

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_I was made to love you.  
I was made to find you.  
I was made just for you. Made to adore you.  
I was made to love. And be loved by you._

-Made To Love, tobyMac

* * *

"Susan, may I come in?" I hear Edmund's voice at the door and get up to let him in. He sits on one of my couches and motions for me to do so. Slowly walking over, I fall onto the red velvet couch quite ungracefully beside him.

"I noticed you did not come back to join us. Neither did Jill after Tirian told us you two were talking."

Oh dear, so they did notice. "If you could call it talking, more like a polite row...if rows are ever polite."

Edmund laughs and I look at him in surprise. "I did not think this is something you would laugh at Ed."

"You two are the most stubborn women I know, and in love with the same man. I would be taken aback if you did not have an argument."

"Well, you are wrong about one thing Ed. I am not in love with Tirian." I stand up at walk over to my window that faces the Eastern Sea. The morning sunlight is glittering over the sea casting vibrant reds and oranges across the surface. I look far out, imagining the places that I have come from to get here. Not just across the ocean itself and past islands, but past _worlds _and time and space beyond my own imagining. It's truly a miracle. I can feel Edmund behind me. His firm hand rests on my shoulder and we look out together.

"Before you met Tirian, I would have sworn by the Lion that there was no _person_ who knew your heart as well as I did. And though that may not be the case anymore," I can hear the smile in his voice and elbow him in the chest. He laughs, "though this may not be the case anymore, I do believe I come in a good second place."

"As true as that may be Ed, and I will admit, there may be some truth in that, I must persist in saying…"

"…That your heart no longer belongs to you, but indeed to King Tirian. And likewise with him."

I sigh and turn around, sitting on the window seat. "How do you truly know that Edmund? I do not even know that."

Edmund speaks cryptically, "You will, in time." I stand up and hug Edmund again.

"Perhaps," I glance to the sea, "perhaps a nice walk will clear my head and help me understand better."

He nods and exits the room. I pull a blue hooded cape over my dress. With a quick look in the mirror, I am out the door and walking briskly through the halls to the rear entrance of this tower. It opens into a small, which used to be my own special hobby, and leads out onto the beach. The flowery scent mixed with the sting of the salt air is surprisingly refreshing. With a momentary look around to see if there are people in sight, I slip off my shoes and stockings, something that I would not do if there were others, and walk in the balmy surf. The warm water laps about my feet and I look down at the white foam tickling my ankles.

Quiet moments such as these are where true happiness lives. There is no pressure in walking in the sea. There is no fierce longing or desire, which I must choose to acknowledge or ignore. There is only the sound of the waves breaking on the golden sand, the stingy smell of ocean air and-

I look up ahead of me and see the strongest pillar of my happiness coming towards me in a golden display of wonder. Aslan.

I quicken my steps and when I reach him I nuzzle my face in his warm mane. His deep chuckle rumbles from within him, and he tongue grazes my cheek affectionately.

"Hello Aslan."

"Hello, Dear One. It is good to see you smiling." I had not realized that I was but the thought kept the smile on my face nonetheless.

"Truly, I cannot help but be happy. I accomplished what you set out for me to do. I reconciled with my brothers and sister and I am reunited with my family once more."

Aslan doesn't look at me, "But there is still a sadness in your heart."

"Yes. I suppose that is something that I will have to overcome with time."

"What is it precisely you want to overcome?"

I pause and think about this question. What exactly do I want to overcome? I said my sadness. What is causing my sadness? That Tirian is with Jill. That Tirian is distressed because of my actions. That Tirian and I cannot be as we once were. All this centres on Tirian.

If my relationship with Tirian is causing me so much pain then perhaps there is more to it than I first thought. My feelings for Tirian run deeper than I thought if they affect me so greatly.

I do not want to overcome Tirian. I do not want to lose how I feel about him. He's helped me grow and helped me changed. He's been almost everything to me here…almost.

"Aslan," I whisper. "What do I do?"

Turning his head, he looks me straight in the eyes. "What have you realized Daughter of Eve?"

I blush and look down, "I am in love with King Tirian."

Aslan turns back towards the direction we're walking and smiles, "I believe you already know what must be done, Susan."

Surprisingly, I do know. That hardly makes it any easier. "What about Jill? What do I say to him?"

"You must follow your heart. It is the best guide."

"After you, of course," I laugh and he joins in as we continuing walking.

_-page break-_

"I cannot decide between the green or the silver," I say walking around the table on which the two dresses lie. I look or to Lucy, who is on my bed, lying on her stomach with the most bored expression on her face.

"Susan," she whines, "They look equally breathtaking."

Picking up one in each hand, I hold them out, "Choose one!"

Lu rolls her eyes, "Oh for Heaven's sake, the silver one, I suppose!"

"Yes, I had been thinking this one the whole time, but these things take careful consideration."

I can hear Lucy groaning as I change behind the screen and I cannot help but giggle a little. I am partly doing this to annoy her.

With a quick look in the mirror, I am ready to head downstairs. The silver dress has a princess neckline and the hem just dances on the floor. My hair is down around my shoulders in waves with diamonds twisted in some strands. I am quite satisfied.

"I am ready, Lu."

"Fantastic!"

"But…the green…"

"By the mane!" she cries grabbing my hand and pulling me out the door. We go down the staircase that leads, not into a public area, but to the room where Kings and Queens gather before a dinner.

Upon entering, Lucy and I curtsy to the people inside who then bow and curtsy in response.

"Well, then, I believe we are all present," Peter's voice echoes. "Shall we proceed?"

I take my place on Peter's right and he offers me his arm, which I accept. As we walk into the great hall, I cannot help but hear gasps from all around the room. I realize that no one has known I was back, save for a few people in Cair Paravel.

"Susan," Peter whispers to me out of the corner of his mouth, "you are trembling like a leaf. Everything is fine. The people could not look more pleased."

I turn back quickly and see Jill walking in on Tirian's arm. My hear pounds and I face forwards again, my breathing rapid.

"It is not that, Peter." I mumble. Before he can question me further we arrive at the table and he gives a speech, honouring the return of King Tirian, and of myself, and then we are seated. I miss the entirety of his speech because I cannot hear over the pounding of blood in my ears.

As we eat, I steal glances at Tirian. It's not my fault; I really cannot help it. Perhaps it's part of being in love, or I am crazy. I do not speak to anyone, and I barely eat. Peter keeps looking over at me, asking if I am all right. I nod and say yes, that I am adjusting is all, but my mind cannot focus on anything.

Eventually, the bell is rung for dancing to commence. Peter rises and bows to me, "Would you do me the honour of the first dance, my royal sister?"

I smile and curtsy, taking his open hand. He leads me down the dais and the people spread off the floor to let us take the centre.

"My lady," he bows again, to which I curtsy once more. His hand rests on my waist and mine settles on his shoulder.

"Do you remember how to do this, Susan?" he whispers to me in a laugh.

I laugh back, "Of course I do, your Majesty."

The music begins and we start spinning around the ballroom floor. It's so easy; it's something that I could never forget. After a few seconds, Edmund and Lucy and Tirian and Jill join us, and eventually the rest of the court.

"Susan, I know there is something on your mind."

"There is quite a bit on my mind to be honest," I say glancing over to Tirian, who is on our right. Peter follows my gaze and when he realizes where my focus is, he sighs.

"Oh, Susan…"

"This is not a flight of fancy, Peter," I say sharply, "I…I am in love with him."

He doesn't say anything and I assume he is waiting for me to continue.

"I have never been truly in love before, Peter. After talking to Aslan, I am certain that I am. And it is frightening to me. I do not know what to do at all."

Concern touches Peter's face, "What is frightening you?"

I can hardly believe that Peter is willing to talk to me about a problem with a man. It is simply amazing how things change.

"I am not sure how to tell him how I feel. I have been pushing him away since the incident on Terebinthia. And there is Jill."

Peter is quiet for a moment, "Susan. The most ideal solution is to be honest with him and tell him all that you are feeling. As for Jill, do not concentrate on that. Follow your heart."

I smile up at him, "It sounds simple when you sat it like that."

"Yes, well, matters of the heart generally are not simple, until they are solved."

"How profound, Sire," I laugh. He laughs and pulls me into a hug. When he releases me, I see Jill standing beside us.

She curtsies to us and looks to Peter, "May I speak to the Queen?" Peter looks to me and I nod back to him. He releases my arm, but not before giving an encouraging pinch.

Jill and I walk towards some curtains and step behind them. She isn't looking at me, but instead inspecting the wall to her right. With a resigned sigh, she looks up at me.

"We have never been the friendliest people towards each other and I feel that this may have directed my actions of late." With a pause she continues.

"Aslan came to me in my room before the banquet and," she shakes her head, "my heart was wrong and I want to apologize for it."

This is the last thing I ever expected from Jill but if she is apologizing not for her actions but for how they were directed in her heart than perhaps…

"I, too, apologize for my heart and feelings towards you being wrong. I do not blame your disliking me before, in England, but I have changed and I do apologize for any hurt I have caused you in the past."

Jill looks down and nods. We stand in an awkward silence for a moment before embracing each other, if not warmly, quite cordially. I feel better than I have in a long time now that I do not feel any dislike for Jill.

"Also," she says sounding more confident and like the Jill I remember, "King Tirian and I…"

"I am sorry you saw that," I regretfully cannot say I am sorry it happened.

"Let me finish please, your Majesty. What I mean to say is that there is nothing more than friendship between us…Aslan…" she breaks off and her eyes go glossy as if she is thinking of something in a dream, "well, never mind. Know that in the way of Tirian, " she flashes a bright smile, "You are clear."

My mind can barely comprehend what she is saying and I think the less I dwell on it the better for all, especially myself.

She laughs, curtsies and exits behind the curtain in almost one motion. I stay behind. The last thing I want is to be seen right now. This moment is one I'd like to keep to myself for a time. The music playing is swimming in my mind. Focus is lost as I try to figure out what to do next. Naturally, the reasonable thing would be to fly into Tirian's arms the first moment I am able to do so. Of course, this would be breaking the rules of decorum and could end in pure mortification. As I remember, the last thing I said to Tirian was along the lines of that all we had was infatuation and that we could ultimately never be together.

Burying my face in my hands, I cannot help but sigh. I do believe I talk a little too much for my own good at times. The room is feeling stuffy. I tiptoe from behind the curtains, down the side of the wall and outside into the gardens.

The night air is cold and chill as I breathe it in. Without doubt, it helps to clear my mind. I wrap my arms around me for a bit of warmth, though I am wearing long sleeves. Looking up at the stars, I am aware of how many there are. A shooting star races across the opaque sky.

"The chances of finding a person who will truly change your life," I whisper to myself, "is like choosing the next star to fall."

"If that is the case," I hear a voice behind me that instantly warms my heart. I turn around and Tirian is walking towards me in a black and gold tunic and matching leggings, his golden hair and crown a beacon in the darkness. He stands beside me and points into the heavens.

"If that be the case," he says again, "then that star in the centre of the sky will be the next to fall."

"You cannot justly say that," I say turning to him, "it's impossible to predict the outcome. It might just be the one beside it that falls first."

Tirian is looking into the sky, "I have faith in the one I have chosen."

"Then that star owes you a great deal, for having faith in it. It might take eternity to fall."

"I shall believe in it for eternity if I must then," he turns to me and looks me piercingly in the eyes. I feel I should faint until he looks away and once more into the sky.

"A star is more than a keeper of heaven. It is a guiding light. It is a hope in the darkness of something new and something bright and something worth believing in."

"And if stars are like people, Susan, then you are my new light. You are something bright and worth believing in."

I gasp and look down. I had not been expecting this. There are so many things in my mind that I cannot think of them all. Reasons to accept this, reasons to deny this. One prevails over the other, though.

"I do not know what to say, Tirian." I walk around in front of him and look him in the eyes, "I do love you, but I have never been in love before. I do not believe I know how. I have told you of my past. I would not want to ruin us."

His face is formal but his eyes are brilliant. Gently, he takes my chin in his hand, "Have faith in yourself. I do."

Pulling me towards him, butterflies flutter in my stomach. His lips are soft against mine, but they are determined. This kiss causes my heart to soar more than any I have ever had in my life. I am in love. I know I am in love. I am kissing the man I love

He breaks our kiss and rests his forehead against mine. "I love you, Susan."

It is only four small words, but they mean the world to me. I close my eyes as he kisses me once more.

When I open my eyes, Tirian is kneeling on the ground. If tonight has not been surprising already!

He takes my hand in his and kisses it tenderly. I laugh softly. This all seems so formal. Yet, it is so beautiful and I am thankful for it.

"I love you, and only you. You fell into my life and it has not been the same since. You have been my confidante, my friend and I hope from now till forever to have you as my wife. Queen Susan of Narnia, will you marry me?"

Marriage had not been something that I had envisioned in my near future. Settling down, becoming a wife and losing the fun in life was not something I had anticipated with great fondness.

Tirian has showed me that true love need not be dreary. Together we still have passion and we have excitement. Rather than my life ending, dare I say it? My life is truly beginning.

"Yes, Tirian, I will marry you." Slowly, he slides a ring with a radiant diamond on to my finger. I sink to the ground and kneel in front of him. Our faces are level and his blue eyes blaze hotly into mine. Without a word, his hand is on the back of my head and my arms are around his neck and he is kissing me as passionately as politeness will allow, and to be quite frank, it is more passion and less politeness.

When my lungs begin burning for air, I break off with a gasp as my chest heaves. His breathing is also laboured and he laughs as he runs a hand through my hair.

"I have waited for you," he says quietly, "it could never have been anyone but you."

I blush and kiss him lightly. "Likewise."

He rises and helps me to my feet. His hands are wrapped around mine and he cups them in his and taking them to his mouth, blows, warming them.

"My love, you must be chilled."

I smile, "Actually, I am presently quite warm." He chuckles and kisses me again.

"I will never grow tired of that."

"I hope not, Sire."

_-page break-_

Tirian and I walk back into the banquet. The seven are standing in a group on the dais, talking. I suppose by now they have noticed that Tirian and I were gone.

The crowd on the floor parts and Tirian and I walk through. I am holding my breath and not sure why. Perhaps it is because all of Narnia will soon learn of our engagement or perhaps I am worried about what they will think.

As we approach, Jill glances towards my hand and a smile breaks out across her face. She is ready to shout out, but as subtly as I can, I shake my head. I will let order and tradition prevail tonight.

Tirian approaches Peter who, even with his sombre King-face, I can tell is quite aware of Tirian's intent for speaking to him.

With a bow Tirian says, "High King Peter, Lord of Cair Paravel, High King over Narnia. I ask you humbly, for the hand of Queen Susan in marriage."

A hush falls over the great hall. As I look to the different faces there is some shock, but it is a general look of happiness.

"I, High King Peter, do give my blessing in the union of King Tirian of Narnia, the Last King of Narnia and Queen Susan of Narnia, my beloved sister."

I cannot help but be a bit cheeky. I curtsy, "Thank you, Peter, for I have already said yes."

Laughter erupts in the great hall and even Peter lets by with a small smile. Clearing his throat and silently calling for order, he takes my hand and Tirian's and brings them together and turns us to face the crowd.

"As High King of Narnia, it is my honour and privilege to officially announce the engagement of King Tirian and Queen Susan of Narnia."

The room erupts with cheers and I smile the truest smile since coming back to Narnia.

"Let Spiced Wine be served to all!"

Barrels of Spiced Wine are brought in and everyone is handed a glass. We are all now standing in our places at the head table, although now, I am beside Tirian and my arm is resting on his.

"To his Majesty, King Tirian and her Majesty, Queen Susan."

Lucy runs up to me before my goblet has barely left my lips and throws her arms around me.

"Oh, Susan. How wonderful! I am truly happy for you."

"As am I," says Jill embracing as well. Eustace comes behind her and shakes Tirian's hand.

He bows to me. "Jolly good. I suppose this means you are here to stay then?"

I can feel my face fall. Why had I not thought of that? How could I have not thought of that?

"Su?" Peter inquires also.

"I do not know."

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**Reviews are always welcome!**


	15. Wunderkind

**A/N: Two years later, I finish this story. I wish I had not taken such a long break, but it has been an interesting time. Where I lost my passion for writing and my story. I didn't like the eoriginal ending, but two years later, when I should be studying, I re-read my story and realize the ending fits, in a new way. My writing style has changedt, I think. I hope it doesn't throw you off, but I think it works. If you remember this story, or have stuck with me, thank you from the bottom of my heart. Cheers. xo. P.S. I don't own Narnia or the song...as if you thought I did!**

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_I am a Joan of Arc and smart enough to believe this__  
__I am a princess on the way to my throne__  
__Destined to reign, destined to roam_

_-Wunderkind, Alanis Morissette_

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The voices outside my room have been continuous all night. Every so often I can hear them fade, but I know that there is always someone in the sitting room outside my bedroom door.

"Has she come out yet?" I hear Peter's muffled voice say. It is a familiar tone, one that he would use when he would be up late revising for an exam and was having trouble grasping a concept. It did not happen often but the strain and frustration makes my heartache, even more than it already does.

"Not at all, Peter. Oh, how I wish there was something for us to do." Lucy's voice is tearful, and I wish so much that it was not my fault, again. But I am so afraid; I cannot be around their sympathetic looks and encouraging words. It does not help.

I feel as though I have aged a lifetime in these short hours. To lose everything I had was devastating the first time. The second time though, after I realize just how much I have and what it means, to lose this all now is heartbreaking. I feel as if I have shattered into countless pieces and cannot be mended. Not by anyone.

_Aslan is not a tame lion. _It is a familiar phrase in Narnia, and is how we accept the fact that sometimes Aslan does not come when we call, or when we wish that he were here. The only one who can tell me my fate is the one who brought me here. But he is not a tame lion.

The curtains billow gently around my open window. The soft white folds are inviting, and I walk to the balcony. Narnia is so precious, and I realize how much now. My brothers and sister are even more precious, and I love them with all my heart. My parents...words cannot express the joy of having them here. All the other Narnian Kings and Queens, Jill and Eustace…they are my family as well. And Tirian, my first and only true love. To lose them now, I just could not bear it.

The sounds of music and merriment are still floating up from the banquet in the Great Hall. We, the Friends of Narnia, left early. I suppose if there is one thing I can still do, it is create a scene. Not that I take pride in this, perhaps before, but not now. The moment I heard Eustace's words and the realization of what they meant was fully understood, I fainted away. Thank Aslan for Tirian and Peter's strong hold, because the guests were none the wiser. Lord Tumnus merely stated that we were choosing to celebrate privately that night. A celebration it is indeed. I did not cry, I could not cry. I feared that if I started then I would never stop. That is not the kind of Queen I was meant to be. Once I was recovered, we all retired to the library. While I gazed out the window, not noticing anything in particular, but acutely aware of the weight of the ring on my finger, the others began to ponder solutions.

"Do you suppose Aslan will just let her stay?" Jill asked hopeful, "He brought her all this way. He set all this in motion. He knew this would happen."

"But she fulfilled her main purpose, did she not? Queen Susan was brought here to have the chance to reconcile with her family that she did not have before…and well, that happened," Eustace ended rather lamely.

"Eustace makes a solid point," added Professor Kirke, "Aslan is not a tame lion. His ways are not necessarily for us to understand."

"I just cannot believe that," Jill said obstinately, "I cannot believe that he would not finish what he started. And trust me truly; Aslan had a great role in King Tirian and Queen Susan's engagement. I believe that he has an answer for this."

Peter put a hand on Jill's shoulder, "I applaud your faith, Jill. But Aslan is not here. If he had an answer, would he not be here?"

"He is not a tame lion," Polly whispered sadly, shaking her head at the situation. "This is all too heart-rending."

Lucy spoke softly, "He is not a tame lion. But he is good. I have always believed that. Perhaps if we try calling him it could help."

"Do you suppose that would work, Your Majesty?" Professor Kirke asked with a slight hint of doubt.

"It did for Pole and me!" Eustace put in excitedly, "When we were at Experiment House, after I had come back from the first Narnia trip, I suggested that we try calling Aslan to take us to Narnia."

Jill smiled, "And Tirian called out to Aslan when he was tied to the tree, did you not? And that was what brought us the second time."

Tirian, who had been silent in his own brooding across the room, looked up at her. "Yes, I did."

Our eyes met each other's and I could feel a part of myself breaking. His eyes were full of so much hurt, so much fear, and underneath it all something else that I could not place, but understood none the less. We could not be by each other at that time, lest one of us lose control.

"Then we have a solid precedent," said Edmund, ever the law student. "How did it happen in the first time?"

Eustace looked at Jill thoughtfully, "Well, once we decided to not do any of Jill's magic pokery rot with circles and strange words, we just turned to the east and lifted our hands and called his name."

"Shall we then?" Peter said. I watched as they all gathered in a line and faced the dark eastern sky. Tirian stood up slowly and stood at the end of the line.

"Are you coming, Susan?" he asked. I cast my gaze down to the floor; I could not look at him.

"I just do not understand. This is Aslan's Country, is it not? Why are we calling for him? I am sure he knows we need some kind of answer. This all just seems like a cruel joke." My defenses were finally breaking and I quickly left and headed to my room, where I have been since. I suppose from the worried whispers on the other side of the door that calling Aslan did not work.

"How is she?" asks a new voice that I recognize as Tirian's, which manages to tug on the frayed ends of my mangled heart.

"She will not see anyone, Tirian!" cried Lucy. "We are at an utter loss as what to do now."

"She will see me," he says firmly and I hear his heavy footfalls approach the door. He gives to sharp knocks and tries the door, which is locked.

"Susan, would you let me in please." I look at the door from my place at the window.

"I cannot. I…Tirian…." I end, at a loss for words. I hear a heavy sigh and Peter and Lucy's footsteps recede from the room and I hear them enter the hall outside my sitting room. I suppose Tirian has waved them away.

"Enough, Susan. You are being ridiculous. You are not the only one who is hurting right now. We all are. Do you think that we want to lose you? Do you not think that the idea of it is not terrifying to us? To me? By the mane, Susan, I love you. And the thought that you might have to go back…."

He draws in a ragged breath and bangs his fist against the door. "I need you right now, Susan. I need to be with you. If you love me, do not deny me that."

Perhaps in times of crisis, a bit of my selfishness just springs to the surface. But I have learned now that my life is not just about me. How can I deny him?

I walk quickly across the room and open it, allowing him entrance. Almost before I can close it again, his arms are around me, holding me. It causes such a sweet and terrible ache. I untangle myself from his arms and sit on my chaise.

"How could he let this happen? Why would he let us fall in love if we were not meant to be together?"

Tirian sits beside me and takes my hand. "You do not know that Susan. Aslan does not control us, we control ourselves. He does guide us, and you must trust that he knows what is happening."

"How do I do that? He's not here. I do not see him. How do I know?" He pulls me to his chest and brushes my hair from my face. It is loose and messy and I do not even care.

"You have to have faith, love. When Narnia was being turned to ruin before my very eyes, Aslan seemed to be nowhere in sight. But he was there every step of the way, taking the mess and planning something greater for the end. You know that he cares. You were there at the Stone Table."

This causes me to sit up and look at him. Yes, I was there. The night at the Stone Table was not something I thought of often in the past. I know Lucy did. I understood what it meant, and the sacrifice that Aslan had gone through for Edmund. But for some reason, this put the general idea in perspective for me.

"That was a true love," I say quietly, "He will come. I know it now."

All at once, there is a noticeable change in the air. Nothing has changed, yet it feels like everything has. I run to the window, looking out to the beach. The waves of the Eastern Ocean crash softly only the sand, and walking along the beach is a tall, golden being.

"Susan!" I hear shouted from above. Suddenly, there is an overwhelming cacophony of sound echoing throughout the royal living quarters. Everyone is shouting each other's name and practically trampling one another to reach the beach. Once we have all arrived in the garden, Aslan is there. I feel as if there is no one else there but us. His eyes bore into mine, and I fall to my knees.

"I'm sorry, I should have trusted you. It just seemed like too much to ask, or expect, especially after I was given a second chance."

"Dear one, you would not have found Tirian here if you were not meant to be with him. My country is full of the bigger and greater, as you go further in and upwards. But I needed you to come to that understanding, on your own."

"Tirian did help me," I reply sheepishly.

Aslan turns to him and dips his head with a smile. "Well done, Son of Adam."

"Excuse me, Aslan," Eustace says raising his hand like he was still a schoolboy. "Does this mean that Susan will stay?"

"Yes, it does. The day Susan left England; she was running down the stairs of her home…"

"…I tripped, and began to fall. I remember. And my hand fell into the pocket of Peter's slacks and touched the ring and I came here."

"You came here, but not by rings. Your hand did not fall into the pocket with the yellow rings, but the green."

"I do not understand. If I did not come here by rings, then I fell and I..."

"You died in that world Susan, but you had began to believe again."

"Unbelievable," I breathe. I am rendered completely speechless and I look toward my siblings, who do not seem as shocked.

Sagely Edmund just looks at me, and the ghost of a smirk plays on his lips. "Believe it, dear sister. For it happened to us."

Lucy beams from beside him with unshed tears glistening in her bright eyes and I can feel them welling in mine. I even believe that I catch the shine of an unshed tear in the eye of my dear brother, the High King. For once, I let the tears flow free without a second thought, not caring who sees.

Tirian is at my side now me, his arm around my waist. I look up at him, and see him basking in the glow of our renewed love and feel that he must see it in me as well.

"You are mine and I am yours. And we will stay here together, my Queen of Queens." I smile and kiss him on the cheek.

"Thank you, for absolutely everything," I say softly, only hoping that he understands everything that 'everything' encompasses. I turn to Aslan. His calm face brings such peace and joy to my heart, I can hardly contain it and tears still flow steadily in response.

"Thank you, for not giving up on me, Aslan. But I do not completely understand. I did not fully believe until I came here. So, why did you take me?"

"Because I knew you would in time, dear heart. Once a King or Queen of Narnia…"

I smile, "…Always a King or Queen of Narnia." And Queen Susan of Narnia, I am.


End file.
